Pirates of North Eurasia

Poor old Gordon. You wanted the job so much and it's all gone a bit wrong hasn't it ? Well Gordon me old mate ..take it from one who knows..Your heart ( and maybe your soul) are in the right place but you have to understand we live in a world where instant judgements are everything and right now you're not cutting the mustard. That's not to say old matey "Dave" Cameron is fairing any better. Look at that hair. Talk about vanity, it's getting darker every time we see him. Is he turning Japanese ?

No the answer for you Gordon is - as a wag on the radio (the guy who's on Mock the Week) said- play to your strengths. Forget about image and wear the eye patch.

Due to an appalling piece of shit luck in your youth, you are disfigured and blind in one eye. So , wear the eye patch. It worked for Moshe citroen Diyane (or whatever his name was), he was a big big hero. You can be too. Listen, who's gonna mess with the Pirate? It'll work..trust me.

You may even get to guest in the next Johnny Depp.

New Cure For Baldness

I was sitting in a trendy caff in Brighton this sunny Sunday morning, having my trendy brunch watching all those bright young good-looking Brighton things taking the air and buying their absurdly thick Sunday papers, when it suddenly dawned on me. "I'm overdue for that makeover."

Yep, old Confidential is looking decidedly very 2007 (actually more like 1967) and it's time to present a new 2008 persona to the outside world.

Reading between the lines of a well known CAFC blog (F. Valley - Fashion Icon) it's obvious to all that 2008 is going to be the year of male hair. Masses of it. On everyone. Mulletts for football heroes. Rough hairy designer stubble for Addick bloggers. Big girlie perms for Danny Mills. Massive village-people moustache for Pards etc.

Which leads on to the problem for all of us crash-helmet jobs. How to get the new 2008 hairy look without resorting to a syrup.

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. Well more on the bathroom floor actually. All that surplus ear hair that we old-uns regularly have to remove with industrial shears...stop ! Leave it and let it grow and train it out of the ears, over the top of the head and hey presto! The new macho hairy look for 2008 !

Another handy hint for those trying to grow a big Magnum style moustache but lacking in follicles is to adopt the same technique with that lush nose hair. Let it grow and before long you will be seeing Magnum PI or Salvador Dali looking confidently back at you in the bathroom mirror for 2008 instead of that same old boring 2007 bloke who has looked back at you every bloody morning since time began.