Nicky Weaver. Bring It On...

This it it...I'm buying my new season on the strength of it. Well done SAP you've cracked it. The man is here. Our Nicky is the guy to get interest back here at the Valley.Forget all those poncy foreign primas with those names that sound like an unlikely scrabble line. Nicky will get our blood up. He'll get the fans going. When our Nicky cranks up the away fans in the South we will just love 'im to bits. We will feel passion again. We have a new Charlton hero. Just remember, don't let those soft ones in Weaver or we'll have to kill you !

Marcus price up to £10m

In a shock announcement from the Valley today, the board have announced that the price for Marcus Bent is now an eye-watering £10m. Initially it was thought that the figure of £8.5m was enough to tempt Marcus out of the Charlton strip but his agent has confirmed that an additional £1.5m will be required saying "my lad Smokin' well 'es got these overheads see, like me for example, so we reckon £10mill's about right". As part of the boards fund raising initiative to support the Remove Smokin' Fund, a special Valley meet the fans night has been planned where Marcus will be on hand to discuss his goal scoring techniques. The evening is expected to last about 10 minutes.Tickets are priced at £10. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Marcus Bent goes for £8.5m

Great news today as the club says goodbye to Smokin' Marcus for a near record club fee of £8.5m ! As the board broke out the champagne (with a very special vintage year Bulgarian Cava) head honcho Minty Murray remarked, "This is a momentous day for all of us here at the Valley .We never thought we would see the day but it's come here now and we're over the moon. OK, some of us had to dig deep but it was worth it to say goodbye. I personally had to contribute £2.3m towards the removing Smokin' fund".

SAP announced "yeah, great shame. I guess we should have made the goals more inviting. Maybe modelled them on them girlie bits".

Are we Having Fun yet?

Yes it’s Fun Day again at Sparrows Lane. Time for all Addicks to descend on Sparrows Lane for a special day full of fun and frolics. This year there’s a full day of sports and sideshows, with some specially featuring past Valley heroes in some surprising new roles.

Lennie Lawrence will be featuring his new Mr Houdini act where he will be chained to, and trussed up with, a team of exhausted workhorses. During the afternoon he and the team will be constantly shuttled around different areas of South and East London. On their return it’s naturally expected he will escape and win Best of Show Cup.

Carl Leaburn will be timed round the obstacle course whilst simultaneously demonstrating the art of plate spinning. Spectators are advised to stand well back for this one !

Special guest Garth Crooks will be taking time out from his usual TV pundit role to give the youngsters a chance to watch him reprise his near impossible solo attempts at “The Length of Field Dash” where Garth will be chasing long balls from one end of the pitch to the far end without being intercepted by a defender. Later in the afternoon, Darren Bent will be taking over the same role.

On the sideshows, Scott Carson is expected, once again, to be in charge of the Coconut Shy (courtesy Frankie Valley) as he has been doing such a good job at every event this year. (Unfortunately this is expected to be Scott’s last time in charge of the stall as he’s not getting enough protection from all the flying balls)

Smokin’ Marcus will once again be demonstrating his Origami skills in the celebrity marquee where senior family members will be encouraged to indulge themselves with various types of herbal infusions and inhalations.

During the field events, we will have a special visit from a much loved, colourful personality, the hilarious Ronald McTango who will be seen tossing the caber in the direction of Chairman Minty’s hospitality tent. (Spectators are warned that this is a Hard-Hat area only)

It's Alive!

Following days of concern and rumour over the strange developments underneath the Valley’s giant East Terrace, work has now stopped and all attempts to move or open the exposed relic casket have now been abandoned.
The scientific team released the following statement last night after 36 hours of intense activity:

“After much speculation we can confirm through the use of x-ray imaging equipment that the organism inside the casket found in the chalk is alive. Our equipment has revealed a large pulsating muscle about one meter across. The organism is now in a stable condition and is functioning with a regular rhythmic action. Our tests show that the massive electric shocks caused by extreme power surges acted like a giant defibrillator and stimulated the muscle into life. What we have uncovered here is the Beating Heart Of Charlton Athletic”.

Spontaneous applause broke out from the assembled Addicks including Chairman Murray who said “This news is just what we needed to hear. For a while now, many of us felt something was missing, but couldn’t figure out what it was. We’re now very aware of what was nearly lost and we look on this as a fresh opportunity for the club to move forward into the future with a new strength and purpose”.
Minty confirmed that the site area will stay accessible and be part of future Valley tours as a permanent reminder to visitors what Charlton Athletic is all about.

We Shall Not Be Moved

Recent bizarre events surrounding the excavations under the East Terrace are beginning to question the wisdom of attempting to remove the “casket or ark like container” recently uncovered during building work for the Jubilee Line extension. Last night, much of SE7 was again, plunged into darkness as fresh attempts were made to extricate the relic from it’s surrounding chalk.
Speciality high powered drilling equipment had been used in an attempt to remove the chalk from around the casket but when the equipment was activated, the local power supply experienced a massive drain which blew out sub-stations across the Charlton area. At the same time the casket or ark - which is the size of a large old-fashioned safe - started to pulsate and glow. Workers had to be evacuated from the scene as the heat became unbearable.
One worker had to be rescued by his colleagues as his protective suit began to spontaneously burn with the heat. He said “It was the most scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. First the lights began to flicker and dim and then that awful throbbing vibration which was deafening… Then the thing started to glow dark red…. The heat was unbelievable”.
Plans to open the casket have been put on hold as there is no apparent opening or way inside and the material is too hard to be cut by conventional means. Several of the on-site scientists - who are focusing on trying to determine the contents using x-ray and imaging equipment - have had to be treated by medics for hallucination type disorders, with some of them refusing to re-enter the site.
The site foreman said later “It’s the strangest thing. Normally our equipment would easily go through this chalk. It’s almost as if the thing doesn’t want to be moved”…
A comment from the club’s new laundry lady Doris Hasselbaink (no relation), summed up the views of many of the locals and bystanders when she said…“There’s folk round these ‘ere parts that ain’t happy ‘bout what’s going on. There’s things in this universe that should be left well alone. Them folks is meddling with powerful Unknown Forces….”

-to be continued.

Ancient Relic Uncovered

These are exciting times down at the Valley with an intriguing discovery that has attracted massive press interest and droves of Archaeologists descending on the famous Floyd Road site.

Speculation and rumour surround an unusual find in the building work underneath the giant East Stand terrace in the old chalk labyrinths. These long abandoned workings are being enlarged to provide an access tunnel for excavation of the Jubilee Line tube extension to the new Charlton station at Harvey Gardens.
Work on the tunnel was halted earlier when workmen found their digging equipment failed and was rendered useless against the impenetrable sides of a “casket-style container” encased in the ancient chalk.
According to eye witness reports, the cramped working conditions are said to be very difficult with high dust levels causing poor visibility and the hot, stale air around the casket requires breathing apparatus for those working in the vicinity .
Attempts are being made to remove the casket, which is currently being examined by experts from the British Museum who specialise in historical relics and ancient artefacts.
Once the casket has been extricated from the surrounding chalk, it will be placed for examination, in a now empty room at the Valley which used to house Jimmy Floyd’s shorts.
It is thought the experts will be using the latest imaging equipment to try and determine the age and contents of the casket prior to any attempts to open…..

- to be continued.