West Stand Closure Shock

The sound of breaking glass was heard today as sales of CAFC monocles fell through the floor at Valley superstore. The reason being, that the future of the West Stand is in doubt. The problem is believed to originate from the lack of the West Stand staple food, the prawn sandwich, which is under threat from extinction due to the lack of prawns. A spokesman from the West Stand Catering Corp explained "There's no actual shortage of prawns in the marketplace. There's loads. The problem here is there's no one available to go and get 'em. We're all far too busy being Toffs doncha know. In fact, I've had a word Upstairs and the board have decided to also rename the East Stand the West Stand to allow all those Stiffs to return next season as Toffs".

In addition, a knock on statement from CAFC Marketing announces they have decided to cancel the famous cardboard clappers which were so successful in keeping the club in the Premiership last season, and replace them with large foam rubber prawn sandwich replicas which can be waved at the visiting poorer fans from Northern clubs.

Somebody Stop Me

Now all you fans of the beautiful game, here's a chance to win a night out on the town with these two whacky funsters and giants of punditry. The evening kicks off with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar and the night finishes with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar. All you have to do to win this exciting, never to be forgotten night, is to answer the following sport related question:

The new Wembley Stadium is in which London district ? Is it...

[1] The Bronx

[2] Monmartre

[3] Wembley

Calls will be costed at £2.50 per sec with all proceeds going to the FA's Snouts In The Trough Fund.

Red Dragon

A Rogue Stewards Tale.

I love football me….love it so much that’s why I took the job. I always hear all the goals .... magic. Sometimes when there's a goal I'm carefully examining the welding on the East Stand cantilevered stanchions. At the last game I was giving a bloke in block B a real hard stare and willing him to make eye contact. He wouldn't of course.. During an off the ball incident I was checking the spelling on the fire extinguisher next to me.
I like working the Jimmy Seed best, cos I like looking hard at the away lot. Sometimes I have a real wry grin when Charlton score, really upsets ’em. Sometimes they get so annoyed with my wry grins they go home early. I really like that, makes me feel important . Sometimes when I’ve got the earpiece on, I can pretend to be talking to someone like I’m that guy in the TV show 24. I can tell it really impresses the girls. Weird thing is when I give the earpiece back to boss after the game, I can still hear a voice talking to me.
At the last match I was looking at this girl, nothing serious, and this bloke pretending to be her boyfriend shouted out at me “’Oi you…Billy No Mates, take your eyes off my girl". ...As if I’d bother looking at someone else’s girlfriend anyway….and I HAVE got mates, lots of ‘em ... I got four in my cellar right now…
[ So always show respect to our friends in front. You never know what might lurk beneath that fluorescent jacket ]

Nicky Weaver. Bring It On...

This it it...I'm buying my new season on the strength of it. Well done SAP you've cracked it. The man is here. Our Nicky is the guy to get interest back here at the Valley.Forget all those poncy foreign primas with those names that sound like an unlikely scrabble line. Nicky will get our blood up. He'll get the fans going. When our Nicky cranks up the away fans in the South we will just love 'im to bits. We will feel passion again. We have a new Charlton hero. Just remember, don't let those soft ones in Weaver or we'll have to kill you !

Marcus price up to £10m

In a shock announcement from the Valley today, the board have announced that the price for Marcus Bent is now an eye-watering £10m. Initially it was thought that the figure of £8.5m was enough to tempt Marcus out of the Charlton strip but his agent has confirmed that an additional £1.5m will be required saying "my lad Smokin' well 'es got these overheads see, like me for example, so we reckon £10mill's about right". As part of the boards fund raising initiative to support the Remove Smokin' Fund, a special Valley meet the fans night has been planned where Marcus will be on hand to discuss his goal scoring techniques. The evening is expected to last about 10 minutes.Tickets are priced at £10. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Marcus Bent goes for £8.5m

Great news today as the club says goodbye to Smokin' Marcus for a near record club fee of £8.5m ! As the board broke out the champagne (with a very special vintage year Bulgarian Cava) head honcho Minty Murray remarked, "This is a momentous day for all of us here at the Valley .We never thought we would see the day but it's come here now and we're over the moon. OK, some of us had to dig deep but it was worth it to say goodbye. I personally had to contribute £2.3m towards the removing Smokin' fund".

SAP announced "yeah, great shame. I guess we should have made the goals more inviting. Maybe modelled them on them girlie bits".

Are we Having Fun yet?

Yes it’s Fun Day again at Sparrows Lane. Time for all Addicks to descend on Sparrows Lane for a special day full of fun and frolics. This year there’s a full day of sports and sideshows, with some specially featuring past Valley heroes in some surprising new roles.

Lennie Lawrence will be featuring his new Mr Houdini act where he will be chained to, and trussed up with, a team of exhausted workhorses. During the afternoon he and the team will be constantly shuttled around different areas of South and East London. On their return it’s naturally expected he will escape and win Best of Show Cup.

Carl Leaburn will be timed round the obstacle course whilst simultaneously demonstrating the art of plate spinning. Spectators are advised to stand well back for this one !

Special guest Garth Crooks will be taking time out from his usual TV pundit role to give the youngsters a chance to watch him reprise his near impossible solo attempts at “The Length of Field Dash” where Garth will be chasing long balls from one end of the pitch to the far end without being intercepted by a defender. Later in the afternoon, Darren Bent will be taking over the same role.

On the sideshows, Scott Carson is expected, once again, to be in charge of the Coconut Shy (courtesy Frankie Valley) as he has been doing such a good job at every event this year. (Unfortunately this is expected to be Scott’s last time in charge of the stall as he’s not getting enough protection from all the flying balls)

Smokin’ Marcus will once again be demonstrating his Origami skills in the celebrity marquee where senior family members will be encouraged to indulge themselves with various types of herbal infusions and inhalations.

During the field events, we will have a special visit from a much loved, colourful personality, the hilarious Ronald McTango who will be seen tossing the caber in the direction of Chairman Minty’s hospitality tent. (Spectators are warned that this is a Hard-Hat area only)