Madjid Bus

In a shock move this morning Addick supremo Reg Varney took the unusual step of taking direct charge of the first team in an exercise designed to motivate the squad to ensure the maximum three points at the Valley this coming Monday.
In an unprecedented move Reg summoned the first team early into the Valley for a surprise outing by bus. The management plan, codenamed Operation Lower Orders, was to travel with the players around parts of Charlton and SE London on a fact finding tour to gain a first-hand impression of the appalling conditions under which Charlton fans exist.
According to an insider some of the players were physically moved to tears as they saw the fans’ pitiful and squalid excuses for homes, some with only two or three bedrooms and a single bathroom. Cars over two years old were seen littering the streets and shrunken garden plots of less than half an acre were often to be seen. At one point along the route the players insisted on stopping to fully take in the squalor around them. In a remarkable demonstration of generosity and community spirit, Marcus B was seen to give a handful of coins to a youngster for a couple of home-made cigarettes.
One of the senior squad was heard to mutter (via his agent), “ I’m shocked. I didn’t think anyone lived like this anymore. This has really opened my eyes to the deprivation some of these fans go through. And to think they often put in extra hours at work to enable them to buy tickets to watch us play. It’s truly humbling for someone of my wealth”.
Another senior member Jimmy Floyd-H released this statement through his office. “My eyes have truly been opened. I feel like Paul on the Road to Damascus. From now on I will be playing like my life depends on it, even if it means getting my shorts dirty”.
After the trip Reg told reporters that Operation Lower Orders “had been a very successful wake up call and the lads would now be giving everything they have to keep themselves and their off-shore accounts in the Premiership".

Letters to The Old Codgers

From: Jimmy “Clean Shorts” Floyd- H.

I was back complaining to the club Doctor the other day of more haemorrhoid trouble and after a particularly painful examination he gave me the usual ineffective cream. He said I should spend less time sitting around and should exercise more. For relaxation he recommended reading the Grapes of Wrath.
“us old ‘uns sympathise with you Jimmy. Funny we always thought you had piles of money”

From : “Handsfree” Dowie.

Just a short note to all my many admirers back at the Valley. I love all this new technology. With my latest bluetooth I can be contacted and made aware of any career news or networking opportunities straight away. Earlier in the year I could hear voices telling me that members of the playing squad were planning to send me to Coventry. Sure enough a few weeks later I was there !
“us oldies can’t agree with you mate, don’t go much on all this new fangled techno stuff, but we all agree you’re a bit of a prat”

From: Schard n’ Freud.

This story is from an ex-pal of ours, “Spend it like” Millsey who recently sent us a card from his yacht moored down in Malaga. He was telling us how he was sitting back enjoying his midday cerveza -when he heard about the recent set of results and our position in the table. While he was laughing heartily at the news, Millsey slipped on the deck , tripped over a mooring line and fell on to the jetty. Fortunately he will be in traction for the next two months…oh how we all laughed at the story.
“what a tonic you two, had us old ‘uns in fits. Needed it too. Not much to laugh about down the Valley these days”

Safe !

There was dancing in Floyd Road today as the news broke that Mystic Monica, the clubs clairvoyant and soothsayer has been found alive and well.
Police broke the news earlier to anxious journalists gathered at the Valley as search teams confirmed that Monica had been found in a cave in the Blackburn area after going missing before a “reading of the stones” which would have correctly forecast the result of the Blackburn vs. Charlton game .
Friends and family were delighted at the news. However one close relative did voice doubts over the identity of Monica saying that “ although Monica does have a fairly heavy beard for a woman I didn’t realise it was quite that heavy” A police spokesman dismissed the allegation claiming that “living rough for several days can easily change appearances”.
Another criticism of the police wasting resources during the search was firmly denied by the detective leading the team. He said “I know people have criticised the police on the amount of time spent checking all the holes in the Blackburn area but we had to check them all. Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

Conspiracy Theory 2

Today the Valley was mired in a baffling drama concerning the whereabouts of the club’s clairvoyant and soothsayer Mystic Monica.
With just two days to go before an all important “must win” fixture the press had gathered at the Valley for the all important “reading of the stones” by Monica where she would have told - with spooky accuracy- the result of the upcoming Saturday fixture. Gasps and mutterings were heard around the room as Minty Murray made the shock announcement that there would be no reading today as Monica has “gone missing”.
Police are pursuing several leads in an effort to explain the disappearance of this much loved psychic, often seen sitting in her shopping trolley exchanging friendly banter with passers by outside the Lidls food store. It’s understood that she was last seen being roughly escorted on to a Valley Express coach driven by Reg “the Driver” Varney as part of a special, no expense spared, evening planned by Alan Pardew at the Savoy for the players to “fill their boots” prior to their trip up North.
Police are also focusing their enquiries in the Blackburn, Lancashire area where there have been reports of a discarded shopping trolley near to one of four thousand holes. Police are refusing to say which one of the four thousand holes is under investigation but assure the public that they are looking into it.

Addicks swoop for ZZ

In a surprise move last night it was revealed that the board has approved the funds to buy this exciting addition to the Charlton squad.
In an interview at the Valley with Reg Varney he released the following Press announcement to the media ..
“ Following on from last Saturdays’ success of Bjorn Again, the board has decided to offer a one year contract to ZZ. With the Championship now almost within our grasp it’s important that we bolster the squad to give ourselves the best possible chance of securing that Championship place. These lads can play in any position on the park and will provide an extra dimension to the squad. In addition, during some our next season’s home fixtures including those with Hull and Burnley we are planning to keep them playing on the pitch for the full 90 minutes which we feel will be more entertaining for the fans”.

Oh Well

It hurts to say it but….they’re just not good enough are they ? Others who know more about the game have already said what's wrong so no point in me harping on. But what about the successes of yesterday ?

What a winner in the Legends restaurant! The way the team passed the courses ..absolute valley gold. A nice shimmy between the kitchen and tables resulted in a perfect delivery of the main course (delicious by the way) followed by a one-two of surgical accuracy between the clearing squad and the waiters resulted in a well placed pudding and the coffee providing the perfect finish.
Nice to see Reg down on the touch line for the beginning of the afternoon. No Baron in the Balcony for him. This must all be doubly difficult for him.

The Way We Were

Whatever happens this coming Saturday or whatever happens between now and the end of the season it’s worth remembering how far this club has come in recent years. The picture here shows a Valley in ruins and it was taken less than 20 years ago. Think what’s been achieved since then. We’ve got a fantastic club on a sound financial footing with a stadium to be proud of. We’ve spent more time in the Premiership than out of it and these days Charlton is generally thought by many football fans to actually belong in the top flight.
Another nice aspect is the fact that people seem to quite like Charlton. We usually attract a friendly press and a decent respect from neutral fans which is probably due to the way the club has evolved since it’s rescue. It’s been built by sensible, practical people who genuinely love the club, not poseurs and egotists who just want to bask in the glory times.
The worst criticism we seem to attract is that we’re a quiet bunch. If that’s the worst people can level at us, we must have done something right.. (and we can always turn up the volume).
Sure if we loose all those TV millions (and I don’t think we will), it‘ll be a big blow for us. But this is the club that clawed its way back into the top flight when it didn‘t even have its own ground .We will prevail. No doubt about it. Consider the precarious state of many clubs in the Premiership who have massive problems caused by either poor financial management or ridiculous over priced egos or both. Many of these could easily slide down the tables in the next few seasons when their owners get tired or bored or want a new toy.
This won’t happen at Charlton. We’re not like that.
So, mine’s a pint of Reg’s Golden Peculiar on Saturday please….