Mrs Reg's Diary

Oh dear what a difficult time this is. I’ve been getting increasingly worried about Reg ever since that unfortunate relegation business earlier in the week. After the Spurs game I had his favourite single-malt tipple waiting for him as usual, but as he slumped into his Norton Recliner and downed the glass in one gulp, I knew things had taken a turn for the worse. In truth he’s been acting in a slightly odd way for a while now, ever since the Sheffield United game, getting more morose and tetchy. Our unfortunate cat Floyd, was on the receiving end of a rather unnecessary spiteful kick last night.
Reg seemed to cheer up a bit later after disappearing into the study and making some calls including one to Minty where I overheard snatches about “the tango tosser…ha ha …new consortium…blah blah..blah…..plenty of cash…blah blah..blah”.
This mornings’ post contained some unexpected literature about buying property and ex-pat living in Rio de Janeiro but Reg just brushed them aside saying it was just junk mail. I though this a bit odd, but given his recent moods decided not to pursue it.
This wretched Championship business. I suggested to him it might be a good thing with the players getting to play more games, but he just snorted and disappeared back into his study again. Wish I knew what to do.

Addicks sign Stopper Bob

In a last minute surprise move before the Addicks play Liverpool, the board have sanctioned the purchase, through an unregistered, anonymous agent, for the services of the highly rated Fantasy League goalie simply known as “Bob”. At a busier than usual photo shoot at the Valley, the cameras flashed as Bob was about to don the Addicks shirt for the first time. Reg Varney said that with POTY Carson unable to play it was necessary to strengthen the squad for this important fixture. Reg went on to say he had been watching Bob for some time and had been impressed by his command of the area and his effective use of the weaponry at his disposal.
When questioned, Bob said he was excited at the prospect of playing between the sticks for the Addicks and was relishing his first game at Anfield. “ I guess I can expect some stick from The Kop but with my trusty Shield of Truth and Sword of British fair play, I know we shall prevail”.
(CAFC Medics stress that the appointment was only conditional at this time and still dependant on pending psychiatric evaluation reports for both Bob and Reg.)

It's Operation Anfield !

It‘s the last game of the season so let’s do it in style! For our final away fixture, the board have secured for the Addicks a special, once in a lifetime opportunity to board a luxury liner for an evening mini-cruise bound for Liverpool. For those lucky enough to be part of this extravaganza, the cruise will start with Valley Express pick-up to Southampton. From there they will join the “Ship of Dreams” for a voyage around the western seaboard arriving at Liverpool the next day, in time to be taken by coach to Anfield for the 3pm kick-off.
On board ship, guests will be treated to the highest levels of cuisine with a special nautical theme including Mrs Regs' delicious Seamens' Soup. Dinner is served in the State Dining Room with complimentary drinks including Bulgarian Cava (back by popular demand) and Valley Golden Peculiar .There’s a real treat for music lovers in the Palm Court Bar with a community sing-along featuring those perennial cheeky chappies from the “Below-Stairs Ensemble” who will be singing those popular evergreens including “You’re S**t And You Know You Are”. Later in the evening, you will be welcomed into the Smoking Lounge, where Marcus B will be demonstrating his origami skills.
For those who prefer some on-deck activity, you can meet up with Commodore Murray and his crew who will be on deck organising games including “guess the formation” which involves the constant re-arrangement of the ships’ deck chairs.
In a statement to the fans, Minty expressed his desire for a full turn out claiming that “The Championship is now firmly within our grasp so let’s make this is a proper Night to Remember!”

Madjid Bus

In a shock move this morning Addick supremo Reg Varney took the unusual step of taking direct charge of the first team in an exercise designed to motivate the squad to ensure the maximum three points at the Valley this coming Monday.
In an unprecedented move Reg summoned the first team early into the Valley for a surprise outing by bus. The management plan, codenamed Operation Lower Orders, was to travel with the players around parts of Charlton and SE London on a fact finding tour to gain a first-hand impression of the appalling conditions under which Charlton fans exist.
According to an insider some of the players were physically moved to tears as they saw the fans’ pitiful and squalid excuses for homes, some with only two or three bedrooms and a single bathroom. Cars over two years old were seen littering the streets and shrunken garden plots of less than half an acre were often to be seen. At one point along the route the players insisted on stopping to fully take in the squalor around them. In a remarkable demonstration of generosity and community spirit, Marcus B was seen to give a handful of coins to a youngster for a couple of home-made cigarettes.
One of the senior squad was heard to mutter (via his agent), “ I’m shocked. I didn’t think anyone lived like this anymore. This has really opened my eyes to the deprivation some of these fans go through. And to think they often put in extra hours at work to enable them to buy tickets to watch us play. It’s truly humbling for someone of my wealth”.
Another senior member Jimmy Floyd-H released this statement through his office. “My eyes have truly been opened. I feel like Paul on the Road to Damascus. From now on I will be playing like my life depends on it, even if it means getting my shorts dirty”.
After the trip Reg told reporters that Operation Lower Orders “had been a very successful wake up call and the lads would now be giving everything they have to keep themselves and their off-shore accounts in the Premiership".

Letters to The Old Codgers

From: Jimmy “Clean Shorts” Floyd- H.

I was back complaining to the club Doctor the other day of more haemorrhoid trouble and after a particularly painful examination he gave me the usual ineffective cream. He said I should spend less time sitting around and should exercise more. For relaxation he recommended reading the Grapes of Wrath.
“us old ‘uns sympathise with you Jimmy. Funny we always thought you had piles of money”

From : “Handsfree” Dowie.

Just a short note to all my many admirers back at the Valley. I love all this new technology. With my latest bluetooth I can be contacted and made aware of any career news or networking opportunities straight away. Earlier in the year I could hear voices telling me that members of the playing squad were planning to send me to Coventry. Sure enough a few weeks later I was there !
“us oldies can’t agree with you mate, don’t go much on all this new fangled techno stuff, but we all agree you’re a bit of a prat”

From: Schard n’ Freud.

This story is from an ex-pal of ours, “Spend it like” Millsey who recently sent us a card from his yacht moored down in Malaga. He was telling us how he was sitting back enjoying his midday cerveza -when he heard about the recent set of results and our position in the table. While he was laughing heartily at the news, Millsey slipped on the deck , tripped over a mooring line and fell on to the jetty. Fortunately he will be in traction for the next two months…oh how we all laughed at the story.
“what a tonic you two, had us old ‘uns in fits. Needed it too. Not much to laugh about down the Valley these days”

Safe !

There was dancing in Floyd Road today as the news broke that Mystic Monica, the clubs clairvoyant and soothsayer has been found alive and well.
Police broke the news earlier to anxious journalists gathered at the Valley as search teams confirmed that Monica had been found in a cave in the Blackburn area after going missing before a “reading of the stones” which would have correctly forecast the result of the Blackburn vs. Charlton game .
Friends and family were delighted at the news. However one close relative did voice doubts over the identity of Monica saying that “ although Monica does have a fairly heavy beard for a woman I didn’t realise it was quite that heavy” A police spokesman dismissed the allegation claiming that “living rough for several days can easily change appearances”.
Another criticism of the police wasting resources during the search was firmly denied by the detective leading the team. He said “I know people have criticised the police on the amount of time spent checking all the holes in the Blackburn area but we had to check them all. Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

Conspiracy Theory 2

Today the Valley was mired in a baffling drama concerning the whereabouts of the club’s clairvoyant and soothsayer Mystic Monica.
With just two days to go before an all important “must win” fixture the press had gathered at the Valley for the all important “reading of the stones” by Monica where she would have told - with spooky accuracy- the result of the upcoming Saturday fixture. Gasps and mutterings were heard around the room as Minty Murray made the shock announcement that there would be no reading today as Monica has “gone missing”.
Police are pursuing several leads in an effort to explain the disappearance of this much loved psychic, often seen sitting in her shopping trolley exchanging friendly banter with passers by outside the Lidls food store. It’s understood that she was last seen being roughly escorted on to a Valley Express coach driven by Reg “the Driver” Varney as part of a special, no expense spared, evening planned by Alan Pardew at the Savoy for the players to “fill their boots” prior to their trip up North.
Police are also focusing their enquiries in the Blackburn, Lancashire area where there have been reports of a discarded shopping trolley near to one of four thousand holes. Police are refusing to say which one of the four thousand holes is under investigation but assure the public that they are looking into it.