Friday, 4 May 2007

Madjid Bus

In a shock move this morning Addick supremo Reg Varney took the unusual step of taking direct charge of the first team in an exercise designed to motivate the squad to ensure the maximum three points at the Valley this coming Monday.
In an unprecedented move Reg summoned the first team early into the Valley for a surprise outing by bus. The management plan, codenamed Operation Lower Orders, was to travel with the players around parts of Charlton and SE London on a fact finding tour to gain a first-hand impression of the appalling conditions under which Charlton fans exist.
According to an insider some of the players were physically moved to tears as they saw the fans’ pitiful and squalid excuses for homes, some with only two or three bedrooms and a single bathroom. Cars over two years old were seen littering the streets and shrunken garden plots of less than half an acre were often to be seen. At one point along the route the players insisted on stopping to fully take in the squalor around them. In a remarkable demonstration of generosity and community spirit, Marcus B was seen to give a handful of coins to a youngster for a couple of home-made cigarettes.
One of the senior squad was heard to mutter (via his agent), “ I’m shocked. I didn’t think anyone lived like this anymore. This has really opened my eyes to the deprivation some of these fans go through. And to think they often put in extra hours at work to enable them to buy tickets to watch us play. It’s truly humbling for someone of my wealth”.
Another senior member Jimmy Floyd-H released this statement through his office. “My eyes have truly been opened. I feel like Paul on the Road to Damascus. From now on I will be playing like my life depends on it, even if it means getting my shorts dirty”.
After the trip Reg told reporters that Operation Lower Orders “had been a very successful wake up call and the lads would now be giving everything they have to keep themselves and their off-shore accounts in the Premiership".

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Letters to The Old Codgers

From: Jimmy “Clean Shorts” Floyd- H.
I was back complaining to the club Doctor the other day of more haemorrhoid trouble and after a particularly painful examination he gave me the usual ineffective cream. He said I should spend less time sitting around and should exercise more. For relaxation he recommended reading the Grapes of Wrath.
“us old ‘uns sympathise with you Jimmy. Funny we always thought you had piles of money”

From :
“Handsfree” Dowie.
Just a short note to all my many admirers back at the Valley. I love all this new technology. With my latest bluetooth I can be contacted and made aware of any career news or networking opportunities straight away. Earlier in the year I could hear voices telling me that members of the playing squad were planning to send me to Coventry. Sure enough a few weeks later I was there !
“us oldies can’t agree with you mate, don’t go much on all this new fangled techno stuff, but we all agree you’re a bit of a prat”

From: Schard n’ Freud.
This story is from an ex-pal of ours, “Spend it like” Millsey who recently sent us a card from his yacht moored down in Malaga. He was telling us how he was sitting back enjoying his midday cerveza -when he heard about the recent set of results and our position in the table. While he was laughing heartily at the news, Millsey slipped on the deck , tripped over a mooring line and fell on to the jetty. Fortunately he will be in traction for the next two months…oh how we all laughed at the story.
“what a tonic you two, had us old ‘uns in fits. Needed it too. Not much to laugh about down the Valley these days”

Sunday, 29 April 2007

Safe !

There was dancing in Floyd Road today as the news broke that Mystic Monica, the clubs clairvoyant and soothsayer has been found alive and well.
Police broke the news earlier to anxious journalists gathered at the Valley as search teams confirmed that Monica had been found in a cave in the Blackburn area after going missing before a “reading of the stones” which would have correctly forecast the result of the Blackburn vs. Charlton game .
Friends and family were delighted at the news. However one close relative did voice doubts over the identity of Monica saying that “ although Monica does have a fairly heavy beard for a woman I didn’t realise it was quite that heavy” A police spokesman dismissed the allegation claiming that “living rough for several days can easily change appearances”.
Another criticism of the police wasting resources during the search was firmly denied by the detective leading the team. He said “I know people have criticised the police on the amount of time spent checking all the holes in the Blackburn area but we had to check them all. Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

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