Thursday, 27 December 2007

Is it Christmas ??

Well, there we are folks.."another year older and deeper in debt" (Who did sing that ?).

You know me,.. old Captain Confidential keep 'em laughing !

Not much to get excited about Charlton at the moment either, still that's Charlton for you. If we were ambitious go-getting Super Supporters who Had To Win, ..then I guess we would be going North of the I'm searching for the safety of our West Stand and those lovely prawn sandwiches washed down with a particularly fine, freshly sulphited, Bulgarian Cava (yyyyeess!!). Reg tells me the 2008 vintage will be a particularly fine example...but then again, that's Salesmen for you.

Well gang...Confidential's 2008 message to all you fellow sufferers is, " make sure you av a good one, for fxcks sake " (eloquent as ever)

Sunday, 23 December 2007

Is It Me?

Well,, we all had a great big,fat,. wonderful time at Legends didn't we ? ..The company was 100% fantastic especially Sam,.. whom I now love with, by the way....(especially when you put that thong on baby !)

Shame about the match though...bloody rubbish...WE HAVE TO DOMINATE THE HOME PITCH ....our ground.... the Valley - for Christs sake..!.We as fans, are ALL willing you on, and I've sat in at Upton Park, who's fans are just as quiet as us until the play gets interesting .,so don't blame the Home crowd..... We do our best for you but we want to see the same sort of comittment on the pitch..throw us a bone for God's sake.... is that too much to ask ?

I guess you don't understand .. for some of us, it's more important than football,'s our dreams....

Friday, 30 November 2007

Failing The CD Test

For a while now here at Confidential Towers, there's been a strong rumour circulating through these draughty halls, that those pesky superior beings in the Solar System are stepping up their act.

The Superiors (or Aliens if you prefer to get scared) have long been watching us making a hash of things - hoping we will eventually see sense - but even with their superior intellect, have not been able to figure out a way to help so many of us to escape from the planet Earth's final implosion.

After many years of close monitoring and observation via Google Earth Plus, they've devised a series of basic tests to determine which of us are truly worthy to be given a window seat on the Last Intergalactic Transport out of here.

The first, and simplest test, - known as the Earthling Idiot Test- involves removing the plastic wrapping from a newly purchased CD using hands only i.e. without the use of tools such as kitchen knives, forks or high powered laser cutting gear.

The other day, a fresh newly web purchased CD held the ulimate insult with TWO layers of plastic. Imagine... after finding the right pair of glasses, a suitable fork from the cutlery drawer...finally removing one wrapper, only to find another equally difficult layer underneath.

Sad to say that Confidential failed miserably,almost destroying that very silly brittle box. Still the music was pretty good. Looks like I've lost my seat place on Operation Earthling.....Who wants to live in a place exclusively inhabited by clever brain-boxes anyway ? I bet the parallel Valley on the Other Side Of The Universe is rubbish too, with the parallel Addicks winning every week....

Thursday, 22 November 2007

The Comb Over Regatta

The TV News said it all . As the Massed Comb Overs arrived from the FA ( what an apt name that is ) for "urgent meetings" with whoever that might be and the only person on the bench at Wembley who looked at all worried was Becks. While John Terry and the gang looked smug, as if to say..." oh well, another one bites the dust... next time you FA puppets, choose my boss so I get a big pay-rise and get to ride this gravy train a little bit longer.

Only David Beckham ( the guy who has left the scene for LA with his integrity intact) looked as if he cared. What a fix we're in.

And as if the FA can do anything about it??. ( Let's have an expensive lunch to discuss .. ) What's happened to the game and us ? Don't hold your breath waiting for the FA to sort it out..

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Blistering Attack From Valley

Charlton fans were stunned last night as they read the blisterning and vitriolic attack on our very much loved CAFC Matty Wright -( journo to every net-addick) when , out of nowhere from a certain Mr Frankie Valley came insult upon insult, heaped upon more insults about a very mild supposed slight against one of our more revered players of yesteryear, a unique slice of Danish bacon with a yellow streak.
Apparently Frankie V had the temerity to suggest that our most revered and loved Matty had overstepped a line in the sand and had introduced an element of satire into our emails from the Dressing Room. For goodness sake...before we know it there'll be humour in the matchday programs ( underpriced at £3) -Reg

Monday, 22 October 2007

It's a Funny Old World...

The other night, while I was busy indoors gnawing my way through something that was pronounced as Chicken Kiev fillet which was completely tasteless and bore a strong resemblance to a clapped out Vietnamese cockerel, well past it's sell-by everywhere including the local village pit, it suddenly hit me. Why am I sitting here in West Sussex, eating some pointless,tastless food that has been flown more than half way round the world in a refridgerated and probably knackered 747 ? Don't we have food in this country ?

The answer dear readers is, of course, money.

The aforesaid Chicken Kiev which was purchased from that well known supplier to the great British public, you know who you are ... You Shop.....We Make Loads of Money... has confirmed what Confidential already knew. Britain has become just one gigantic Supermarket.

(Sorry Anon.. nothing about Charlton again)

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Well Done Pards

Pards you've done it, You've brought some fun back into it. It's the Charlton show and we love it. Our defenders have got the look like they could be gracing the entrances of some of London's finest establishmenmts, we've got Nick pissing (metaphorically) on the away fans and of course Danny boy. What can you say about Mr Mills, he's doing us proud. So thanks Pards for giving us a team with characters and a character and a backbone that showed up at Hull. We've been waiting for a long time now for a team that wins and is good fun again.

Friday, 28 September 2007

Swing With The Pampas

It's come to light (via another organ of our blogging fraternity..believed to be known as a certain Mr F. Valley) that Pampas Grass is now the favoured shrub of Swingers. As a result of this article, Homebase has been inundated with orders and has had to re-order using their Business Plan for 2008/9.
B&Q are now unveiling their new Dogging shrub range for Autumn/Spring 2008.

Sunday, 23 September 2007

Three Points As Well

My mate said "What ? Bloggers all getting together? What about their loss of anonimity?" Well I said, sharp as a button, no problem see... they can all remain totally anonymous if they want or stay "in character" i..e carry on being miserable, carping and grumpy, so nothing changes..!
(For those of you who haven't yet been to a Leg End lunch, and especially for those of a certain age, the price is worth it just to see the view of the stadium through the plate glass .. )

Monday, 10 September 2007

Monocles Rocket !

Sales of CAFC's high-performance monocles* have been soaring in the Valley Superstore since the recent news that the Great Gary L Himself was to make an appearance in the Valley before the Leicester City home game. Sorry fans didn't I tell you ? Gary's already busy. Here's the email from his agent

Rick,Unfortunately Gary is already committed on the 22nd September and unable totake on your event.Regards,Jonathan

Come on Gary ! while you're up there wining and dining with the muppetts and puppets don't forget the little guys (including your club) struggling to make it to that big greasy media savvy table . Don't ever forget your root's me old son..

* As worn and recommended by the West stand toffs. The metal frame used in the manufacture of these items is reputed to be tougher than that mined for Robin Trower's whah-whah pedals.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Fans Applaud New Look MoTD

Fans bombarded the BBC switchboard last night showering them with praise for the new exciting MoTD 07-08 season presentation . The new look Alan Hansen has been a particular hit with the fans with the old fashioned '70s Captain Scarlett being dramatically replaced with the new '80s style Action Man. A spokesman for ther BBC technical dept says "we're very pleased with the result of all the guys work during the spring and summer. It was felt that the image portrayed needed to be updated and this has been achieved most successfully".

Next in line for a mid-season makeover is Gary Lineker who it's understood will be re-engineered in the mould of '80s Miami Vice star Crockett.

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Never mind, it's only Stoke.

Well guys we never thought it would be that easy did we ? Bloody annoying though, especially when we see Gentleman Darren scoring for the spuds. As a diversion check this IMovie out Found it on the Dilbert Cartoon site so it's kosher and won't blow up your software (yet...) .Yes it's another conspiracy stream of concienceness but it's great fun.

Actually it's all been figured out by yours truly. It IS a Conspiracy.... A Conspiracy by the Big 3 computer manufacturers to get us to dig deep and buy some new computers...!
(Just seen the Typhoon Euro fighter blasting the sky at Eastbourne Airborne. Wouldn't want to be a Tin-Pot Dictator with that thing heading my way )

Monday, 13 August 2007

Some Things Never Change - The Two Old Farts - A Brand New Season in the Upper North.

The Two Old Farts are based on - well two old farts - who manage to bring everyone down around them and never know when to shut up. The scenario below comes from last season but it won't be long ...

Look at 'em lazy sods ! I paid good money for this.. You’re not fit to wear the shirt…What do you reckon Stats, that mid-fielder looks rubbish to me eh? …I can’t see that new bloke scoring in a month of Sundays….yeah we’re stuck here all right…..”

[At the end of the first-half..]
“Booo….you’re rubbish ….this manager should resign…the whole team is a disgrace…the Chairman should resign…..the bar staff should resign...Sparrows Lane ground staff should resign... Last time I ever come here Walt…what about you ? ….I‘m tearing up my season ticket ..(Muffled cheers from the seats around them) …not wasting my time here anymore…!

[At the end of the game - Charlton win ]

“Should have won 5-0.… they were lucky to win at all if you ask me…...Still staying down though….lucky the other lot were rubbish eh?…see you next game then, can’t wait“.

At this point a crazed Addick from the seat in front of them, unable to take any more, turns round to the two whingers and with wild eyes and flecks of spit around his mouth, yells a string of home truths at the two men and is promptly seized by the Stewards and banned for the rest of the season.

Sunday, 5 August 2007

So Who Are Yerr ????

Well here it is ....I'm happy ..well sort of, but why is it when I go through the fixtures on the CAFC site I find myself reaching for the Prozac ? It's like the Championship is some sort of bare knuckle knock out fair crowd attraction, before a couple of the lucky contenders get to play with the Big-Boys up top. When you think about it, the Premiereship is only there to serve the interest of the 5 or 6 evergreen Top clubs. the rest of them and maybe us, are just cannon fodder. How depressing's that ?
As one's eyes shift miserably down the list of fixtures revealing such enticing place names - you know know who you are ! - It's about time for some of us Hooray Henrys and Champagne Charlies to come to terms with the fact we are meeting some of the toughest bastards in the beautiful game...
First game of the season ?....Scunthorpe.......Scunthorpe now there's a name to conjour with ! It's often asked who DID put the "C" in Scunthorpe. Well to be frank (who I'm not Frankie, but enjoy Camber) I don't care who put the "C" in Scunthorpe. In fact I'm quite partial to a bit meeself ! Goes down really nice.....mmm..slurp.

So forget all that terrace rousing to all those Scunners (is that the rite nickname ?) Who Are Yerr ????? Bout time us Charlton mob started asking who are we..?? ..Now we're down there with that lot. In fact as my son pointed out to me today and I quote "Yeah, Dad, not a great deal to look forward to, I think Charlton will be the biggest scalp in the division which could cause problems. ?"

Hear that warriors "the biggest scalp". He's rite you know , the Championship is a motley and ugly crew and we are the biggest scalp..who'd have thought it eh ?. Little Old Charlton.

Saturday, 28 July 2007

Another Saturday Night's TV

OK ok ..I know that by now most of you are saying " for Christs' sake Rick get yourself a Life !" and our ever present ANON friends are gearing themselves up for some more intellectual banter and amusing input ("wanker" "shit" "tosser" etc.).

BUT ..what should people of a certain age who (a) don't want to shout at each other in a bar or (b) take pictures of each other with the mobile or (c) dance in Ibiza - expect out of that big ugly box occupying valuable space in our living rooms?

Well I reckon we're being short changed. Here we are in the 21st Super Space-Age ultra Cool Anything's Possible Future and the quality of entertainment gushing from all those channels on that box is, in most part, poor quality marketing and cheap per minute reality rubbish. And the best joke is, we pay for it!. WHO WAS IT who decided that the British TV viewer has (a)the brain of a pea and (b) is obsessed by trivia and wants to die from an early death of static TV boredom ?

(FYI all you sharp eyed ANON critics, nothing to do with CAFC either)

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Cut Backs Affect CAFC Music

The new economy style, fizzy-champ season starts with the Scunthorpe game and with it comes the new slim-down entertainment !

Forget opera stars and Bojrn (?)Again. It's time to get out that banjo and give the crowd what it really wants !

Old Bert has been coming to the Valley since 1905 and has been waiting for this chance to woo the fans. Give it large Bert......

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Sir Alan..Are You Aware ?

OK Alan here it is. We love you loads, We watched you pace the line and play every move during the relegation battle which we unfortunately lost. In the old days we watched you play at Sainsbury's. We watched you play at the newly opened Valley. We know you're a straight sort of guy and we think you can command, motivate and guide the team. We think you love Charlton. Do you ? If you do you'll know how much it means to all of us to bring the club back to where we should be. The Top Team of South London. Nuff said?

Friday, 13 July 2007

West Stand Closure Shock

The sound of breaking glass was heard today as sales of CAFC monocles fell through the floor at Valley superstore. The reason being, that the future of the West Stand is in doubt. The problem is believed to originate from the lack of the West Stand staple food, the prawn sandwich, which is under threat from extinction due to the lack of prawns. A spokesman from the West Stand Catering Corp explained "There's no actual shortage of prawns in the marketplace. There's loads. The problem here is there's no one available to go and get 'em. We're all far too busy being Toffs doncha know. In fact, I've had a word Upstairs and the board have decided to also rename the East Stand the West Stand to allow all those Stiffs to return next season as Toffs".

In addition, a knock on statement from CAFC Marketing announces they have decided to cancel the famous cardboard clappers which were so successful in keeping the club in the Premiership last season, and replace them with large foam rubber prawn sandwich replicas which can be waved at the visiting poorer fans from Northern clubs.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Somebody Stop Me

Now all you fans of the beautiful game, here's a chance to win a night out on the town with these two whacky funsters and giants of punditry. The evening kicks off with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar and the night finishes with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar. All you have to do to win this exciting, never to be forgotten night, is to answer the following sport related question:

The new Wembley Stadium is in which London district ? Is it...

[1] The Bronx

[2] Monmartre

[3] Wembley

Calls will be costed at £2.50 per sec with all proceeds going to the FA's Snouts In The Trough Fund.

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Red Dragon

A Rogue Stewards Tale.

I love football me….love it so much that’s why I took the job. I always hear all the goals .... magic. Sometimes when there's a goal I'm carefully examining the welding on the East Stand cantilevered stanchions. At the last game I was giving a bloke in block B a real hard stare and willing him to make eye contact. He wouldn't of course.. During an off the ball incident I was checking the spelling on the fire extinguisher next to me.
I like working the Jimmy Seed best, cos I like looking hard at the away lot. Sometimes I have a real wry grin when Charlton score, really upsets ’em. Sometimes they get so annoyed with my wry grins they go home early. I really like that, makes me feel important . Sometimes when I’ve got the earpiece on, I can pretend to be talking to someone like I’m that guy in the TV show 24. I can tell it really impresses the girls. Weird thing is when I give the earpiece back to boss after the game, I can still hear a voice talking to me.
At the last match I was looking at this girl, nothing serious, and this bloke pretending to be her boyfriend shouted out at me “’Oi you…Billy No Mates, take your eyes off my girl". ...As if I’d bother looking at someone else’s girlfriend anyway….and I HAVE got mates, lots of ‘em ... I got four in my cellar right now…
[ So always show respect to our friends in front. You never know what might lurk beneath that fluorescent jacket ]

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Nicky Weaver. Bring It On...

This it it...I'm buying my new season on the strength of it. Well done SAP you've cracked it. The man is here. Our Nicky is the guy to get interest back here at the Valley.Forget all those poncy foreign primas with those names that sound like an unlikely scrabble line. Nicky will get our blood up. He'll get the fans going. When our Nicky cranks up the away fans in the South we will just love 'im to bits. We will feel passion again. We have a new Charlton hero. Just remember, don't let those soft ones in Weaver or we'll have to kill you !

Sunday, 1 July 2007

Marcus price up to £10m

In a shock announcement from the Valley today, the board have announced that the price for Marcus Bent is now an eye-watering £10m. Initially it was thought that the figure of £8.5m was enough to tempt Marcus out of the Charlton strip but his agent has confirmed that an additional £1.5m will be required saying "my lad Smokin' well 'es got these overheads see, like me for example, so we reckon £10mill's about right". As part of the boards fund raising initiative to support the Remove Smokin' Fund, a special Valley meet the fans night has been planned where Marcus will be on hand to discuss his goal scoring techniques. The evening is expected to last about 10 minutes.Tickets are priced at £10. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Marcus Bent goes for £8.5m

Great news today as the club says goodbye to Smokin' Marcus for a near record club fee of £8.5m ! As the board broke out the champagne (with a very special vintage year Bulgarian Cava) head honcho Minty Murray remarked, "This is a momentous day for all of us here at the Valley .We never thought we would see the day but it's come here now and we're over the moon. OK, some of us had to dig deep but it was worth it to say goodbye. I personally had to contribute £2.3m towards the removing Smokin' fund".
SAP announced "yeah, great shame. I guess we should have made the goals more inviting. Maybe modelled them on them girlie bits".

Monday, 21 May 2007

Are we Having Fun yet?

Yes it’s Fun Day again at Sparrows Lane. Time for all Addicks to descend on Sparrows Lane for a special day full of fun and frolics. This year there’s a full day of sports and sideshows, with some specially featuring past Valley heroes in some surprising new roles.

Lennie Lawrence will be featuring his new Mr Houdini act where he will be chained to, and trussed up with, a team of exhausted workhorses. During the afternoon he and the team will be constantly shuttled around different areas of South and East London. On their return it’s naturally expected he will escape and win Best of Show Cup.
Carl Leaburn will be timed round the obstacle course whilst simultaneously demonstrating the art of plate spinning. Spectators are advised to stand well back for this one !

Special guest Garth Crooks will be taking time out from his usual TV pundit role to give the youngsters a chance to watch him reprise his near impossible solo attempts at “The Length of Field Dash” where Garth will be chasing long balls from one end of the pitch to the far end without being intercepted by a defender. Later in the afternoon, Darren Bent will be taking over the same role.

On the sideshows, Scott Carson is expected, once again, to be in charge of the Coconut Shy (courtesy Frankie Valley) as he has been doing such a good job at every event this year. (Unfortunately this is expected to be Scott’s last time in charge of the stall as he’s not getting enough protection from all the flying balls)

Smokin’ Marcus will once again be demonstrating his Origami skills in the celebrity marquee where senior family members will be encouraged to indulge themselves with various types of herbal infusions and inhalations.

During the field events, we will have a special visit from a much loved, colourful personality, the hilarious Ronald McTango who will be seen tossing the caber in the direction of Chairman Minty’s hospitality tent. (Spectators are warned that this is a Hard-Hat area only)

Thursday, 17 May 2007

It's Alive!

Following days of concern and rumour over the strange developments underneath the Valley’s giant East Terrace, work has now stopped and all attempts to move or open the exposed relic casket have now been abandoned.
The scientific team released the following statement last night after 36 hours of intense activity:

“After much speculation we can confirm through the use of x-ray imaging equipment that the organism inside the casket found in the chalk is alive. Our equipment has revealed a large pulsating muscle about one meter across. The organism is now in a stable condition and is functioning with a regular rhythmic action. Our tests show that the massive electric shocks caused by extreme power surges acted like a giant defibrillator and stimulated the muscle into life. What we have uncovered here is the Beating Heart Of Charlton Athletic”.

Spontaneous applause broke out from the assembled Addicks including Chairman Murray who said “This news is just what we needed to hear. For a while now, many of us felt something was missing, but couldn’t figure out what it was. We’re now very aware of what was nearly lost and we look on this as a fresh opportunity for the club to move forward into the future with a new strength and purpose”.
Minty confirmed that the site area will stay accessible and be part of future Valley tours as a permanent reminder to visitors what Charlton Athletic is all about.

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

We Shall Not Be Moved

Recent bizarre events surrounding the excavations under the East Terrace are beginning to question the wisdom of attempting to remove the “casket or ark like container” recently uncovered during building work for the Jubilee Line extension. Last night, much of SE7 was again, plunged into darkness as fresh attempts were made to extricate the relic from it’s surrounding chalk.
Speciality high powered drilling equipment had been used in an attempt to remove the chalk from around the casket but when the equipment was activated, the local power supply experienced a massive drain which blew out sub-stations across the Charlton area. At the same time the casket or ark - which is the size of a large old-fashioned safe - started to pulsate and glow. Workers had to be evacuated from the scene as the heat became unbearable.
One worker had to be rescued by his colleagues as his protective suit began to spontaneously burn with the heat. He said “It was the most scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. First the lights began to flicker and dim and then that awful throbbing vibration which was deafening… Then the thing started to glow dark red…. The heat was unbelievable”.
Plans to open the casket have been put on hold as there is no apparent opening or way inside and the material is too hard to be cut by conventional means. Several of the on-site scientists - who are focusing on trying to determine the contents using x-ray and imaging equipment - have had to be treated by medics for hallucination type disorders, with some of them refusing to re-enter the site.
The site foreman said later “It’s the strangest thing. Normally our equipment would easily go through this chalk. It’s almost as if the thing doesn’t want to be moved”…
A comment from the club’s new laundry lady Doris Hasselbaink (no relation), summed up the views of many of the locals and bystanders when she said…“There’s folk round these ‘ere parts that ain’t happy ‘bout what’s going on. There’s things in this universe that should be left well alone. Them folks is meddling with powerful Unknown Forces….”
-to be continued.

Monday, 14 May 2007

Ancient Relic Uncovered

These are exciting times down at the Valley with an intriguing discovery that has attracted massive press interest and droves of Archaeologists descending on the famous Floyd Road site.
Speculation and rumour surround an unusual find in the building work underneath the giant East Stand terrace in the old chalk labyrinths. These long abandoned workings are being enlarged to provide an access tunnel for excavation of the Jubilee Line tube extension to the new Charlton station at Harvey Gardens.
Work on the tunnel was halted earlier when workmen found their digging equipment failed and was rendered useless against the impenetrable sides of a “casket-style container” encased in the ancient chalk.
According to eye witness reports, the cramped working conditions are said to be very difficult with high dust levels causing poor visibility and the hot, stale air around the casket requires breathing apparatus for those working in the vicinity .
Attempts are being made to remove the casket, which is currently being examined by experts from the British Museum who specialise in historical relics and ancient artefacts.
Once the casket has been extricated from the surrounding chalk, it will be placed for examination, in a now empty room at the Valley which used to house Jimmy Floyd’s shorts.
It is thought the experts will be using the latest imaging equipment to try and determine the age and contents of the casket prior to any attempts to open…..
- to be continued.

Friday, 11 May 2007

Mrs Reg's Diary

Oh dear what a difficult time this is. I’ve been getting increasingly worried about Reg ever since that unfortunate relegation business earlier in the week. After the Spurs game I had his favourite single-malt tipple waiting for him as usual, but as he slumped into his Norton Recliner and downed the glass in one gulp, I knew things had taken a turn for the worse. In truth he’s been acting in a slightly odd way for a while now, ever since the Sheffield United game, getting more morose and tetchy. Our unfortunate cat Floyd, was on the receiving end of a rather unnecessary spiteful kick last night.
Reg seemed to cheer up a bit later after disappearing into the study and making some calls including one to Minty where I overheard snatches about “the tango tosser…ha ha …new consortium…blah blah..blah…..plenty of cash…blah blah..blah”.
This mornings’ post contained some unexpected literature about buying property and ex-pat living in Rio de Janeiro but Reg just brushed them aside saying it was just junk mail. I though this a bit odd, but given his recent moods decided not to pursue it.
This wretched Championship business. I suggested to him it might be a good thing with the players getting to play more games, but he just snorted and disappeared back into his study again. Wish I knew what to do.

Thursday, 10 May 2007

Addicks sign Stopper Bob

In a last minute surprise move before the Addicks play Liverpool, the board have sanctioned the purchase, through an unregistered, anonymous agent, for the services of the highly rated Fantasy League goalie simply known as “Bob”. At a busier than usual photo shoot at the Valley, the cameras flashed as Bob was about to don the Addicks shirt for the first time. Reg Varney said that with POTY Carson unable to play it was necessary to strengthen the squad for this important fixture. Reg went on to say he had been watching Bob for some time and had been impressed by his command of the area and his effective use of the weaponry at his disposal.
When questioned, Bob said he was excited at the prospect of playing between the sticks for the Addicks and was relishing his first game at Anfield. “ I guess I can expect some stick from The Kop but with my trusty Shield of Truth and Sword of British fair play, I know we shall prevail”.
(CAFC Medics stress that the appointment was only conditional at this time and still dependant on pending psychiatric evaluation reports for both Bob and Reg.)

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

It's Operation Anfield !

It‘s the last game of the season so let’s do it in style! For our final away fixture, the board have secured for the Addicks a special, once in a lifetime opportunity to board a luxury liner for an evening mini-cruise bound for Liverpool. For those lucky enough to be part of this extravaganza, the cruise will start with Valley Express pick-up to Southampton. From there they will join the “Ship of Dreams” for a voyage around the western seaboard arriving at Liverpool the next day, in time to be taken by coach to Anfield for the 3pm kick-off.
On board ship, guests will be treated to the highest levels of cuisine with a special nautical theme including Mrs Regs' delicious Seamens' Soup. Dinner is served in the State Dining Room with complimentary drinks including Bulgarian Cava (back by popular demand) and Valley Golden Peculiar .There’s a real treat for music lovers in the Palm Court Bar with a community sing-along featuring those perennial cheeky chappies from the “Below-Stairs Ensemble” who will be singing those popular evergreens including “You’re S**t And You Know You Are”. Later in the evening, you will be welcomed into the Smoking Lounge, where Marcus B will be demonstrating his origami skills.
For those who prefer some on-deck activity, you can meet up with Commodore Murray and his crew who will be on deck organising games including “guess the formation” which involves the constant re-arrangement of the ships’ deck chairs.
In a statement to the fans, Minty expressed his desire for a full turn out claiming that “The Championship is now firmly within our grasp so let’s make this is a proper Night to Remember!”

Friday, 4 May 2007

Madjid Bus

In a shock move this morning Addick supremo Reg Varney took the unusual step of taking direct charge of the first team in an exercise designed to motivate the squad to ensure the maximum three points at the Valley this coming Monday.
In an unprecedented move Reg summoned the first team early into the Valley for a surprise outing by bus. The management plan, codenamed Operation Lower Orders, was to travel with the players around parts of Charlton and SE London on a fact finding tour to gain a first-hand impression of the appalling conditions under which Charlton fans exist.
According to an insider some of the players were physically moved to tears as they saw the fans’ pitiful and squalid excuses for homes, some with only two or three bedrooms and a single bathroom. Cars over two years old were seen littering the streets and shrunken garden plots of less than half an acre were often to be seen. At one point along the route the players insisted on stopping to fully take in the squalor around them. In a remarkable demonstration of generosity and community spirit, Marcus B was seen to give a handful of coins to a youngster for a couple of home-made cigarettes.
One of the senior squad was heard to mutter (via his agent), “ I’m shocked. I didn’t think anyone lived like this anymore. This has really opened my eyes to the deprivation some of these fans go through. And to think they often put in extra hours at work to enable them to buy tickets to watch us play. It’s truly humbling for someone of my wealth”.
Another senior member Jimmy Floyd-H released this statement through his office. “My eyes have truly been opened. I feel like Paul on the Road to Damascus. From now on I will be playing like my life depends on it, even if it means getting my shorts dirty”.
After the trip Reg told reporters that Operation Lower Orders “had been a very successful wake up call and the lads would now be giving everything they have to keep themselves and their off-shore accounts in the Premiership".

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Letters to The Old Codgers

From: Jimmy “Clean Shorts” Floyd- H.
I was back complaining to the club Doctor the other day of more haemorrhoid trouble and after a particularly painful examination he gave me the usual ineffective cream. He said I should spend less time sitting around and should exercise more. For relaxation he recommended reading the Grapes of Wrath.
“us old ‘uns sympathise with you Jimmy. Funny we always thought you had piles of money”

From :
“Handsfree” Dowie.
Just a short note to all my many admirers back at the Valley. I love all this new technology. With my latest bluetooth I can be contacted and made aware of any career news or networking opportunities straight away. Earlier in the year I could hear voices telling me that members of the playing squad were planning to send me to Coventry. Sure enough a few weeks later I was there !
“us oldies can’t agree with you mate, don’t go much on all this new fangled techno stuff, but we all agree you’re a bit of a prat”

From: Schard n’ Freud.
This story is from an ex-pal of ours, “Spend it like” Millsey who recently sent us a card from his yacht moored down in Malaga. He was telling us how he was sitting back enjoying his midday cerveza -when he heard about the recent set of results and our position in the table. While he was laughing heartily at the news, Millsey slipped on the deck , tripped over a mooring line and fell on to the jetty. Fortunately he will be in traction for the next two months…oh how we all laughed at the story.
“what a tonic you two, had us old ‘uns in fits. Needed it too. Not much to laugh about down the Valley these days”

Sunday, 29 April 2007

Safe !

There was dancing in Floyd Road today as the news broke that Mystic Monica, the clubs clairvoyant and soothsayer has been found alive and well.
Police broke the news earlier to anxious journalists gathered at the Valley as search teams confirmed that Monica had been found in a cave in the Blackburn area after going missing before a “reading of the stones” which would have correctly forecast the result of the Blackburn vs. Charlton game .
Friends and family were delighted at the news. However one close relative did voice doubts over the identity of Monica saying that “ although Monica does have a fairly heavy beard for a woman I didn’t realise it was quite that heavy” A police spokesman dismissed the allegation claiming that “living rough for several days can easily change appearances”.
Another criticism of the police wasting resources during the search was firmly denied by the detective leading the team. He said “I know people have criticised the police on the amount of time spent checking all the holes in the Blackburn area but we had to check them all. Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Conspiracy Theory 2

Today the Valley was mired in a baffling drama concerning the whereabouts of the club’s clairvoyant and soothsayer Mystic Monica.
With just two days to go before an all important “must win” fixture the press had gathered at the Valley for the all important “reading of the stones” by Monica where she would have told - with spooky accuracy- the result of the upcoming Saturday fixture. Gasps and mutterings were heard around the room as Minty Murray made the shock announcement that there would be no reading today as Monica has “gone missing”.
Police are pursuing several leads in an effort to explain the disappearance of this much loved psychic, often seen sitting in her shopping trolley exchanging friendly banter with passers by outside the Lidls food store. It’s understood that she was last seen being roughly escorted on to a Valley Express coach driven by Reg “the Driver” Varney as part of a special, no expense spared, evening planned by Alan Pardew at the Savoy for the players to “fill their boots” prior to their trip up North.
Police are also focusing their enquiries in the Blackburn, Lancashire area where there have been reports of a discarded shopping trolley near to one of four thousand holes. Police are refusing to say which one of the four thousand holes is under investigation but assure the public that they are looking into it.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Addicks swoop for ZZ

In a surprise move last night it was revealed that the board has approved the funds to buy this exciting addition to the Charlton squad.
In an interview at the Valley with Reg Varney he released the following Press announcement to the media ..
“ Following on from last Saturdays’ success of Bjorn Again, the board has decided to offer a one year contract to ZZ. With the Championship now almost within our grasp it’s important that we bolster the squad to give ourselves the best possible chance of securing that Championship place. These lads can play in any position on the park and will provide an extra dimension to the squad. In addition, during some our next season’s home fixtures including those with Hull and Burnley we are planning to keep them playing on the pitch for the full 90 minutes which we feel will be more entertaining for the fans”.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Oh Well

It hurts to say it but….they’re just not good enough are they ? Others who know more about the game have already said what's wrong so no point in me harping on. But what about the successes of yesterday ?
What a winner in the Legends restaurant! The way the team passed the courses ..absolute valley gold. A nice shimmy between the kitchen and tables resulted in a perfect delivery of the main course (delicious by the way) followed by a one-two of surgical accuracy between the clearing squad and the waiters resulted in a well placed pudding and the coffee providing the perfect finish.
Nice to see Reg down on the touch line for the beginning of the afternoon. No Baron in the Balcony for him. This must all be doubly difficult for him.

Friday, 20 April 2007

The Way We Were

Whatever happens this coming Saturday or whatever happens between now and the end of the season it’s worth remembering how far this club has come in recent years. The picture here shows a Valley in ruins and it was taken less than 20 years ago. Think what’s been achieved since then. We’ve got a fantastic club on a sound financial footing with a stadium to be proud of. We’ve spent more time in the Premiership than out of it and these days Charlton is generally thought by many football fans to actually belong in the top flight.
Another nice aspect is the fact that people seem to quite like Charlton. We usually attract a friendly press and a decent respect from neutral fans which is probably due to the way the club has evolved since it’s rescue. It’s been built by sensible, practical people who genuinely love the club, not poseurs and egotists who just want to bask in the glory times.
The worst criticism we seem to attract is that we’re a quiet bunch. If that’s the worst people can level at us, we must have done something right.. (and we can always turn up the volume).
Sure if we loose all those TV millions (and I don’t think we will), it‘ll be a big blow for us. But this is the club that clawed its way back into the top flight when it didn‘t even have its own ground .We will prevail. No doubt about it. Consider the precarious state of many clubs in the Premiership who have massive problems caused by either poor financial management or ridiculous over priced egos or both. Many of these could easily slide down the tables in the next few seasons when their owners get tired or bored or want a new toy.
This won’t happen at Charlton. We’re not like that.
So, mine’s a pint of Reg’s Golden Peculiar on Saturday please….

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Woke Up With Wood

Today the soccer world was reeling at the news of a major defection in the media as soccer “super pundit” Scott Hansen revealed he was quitting his key role in Match of the Day and taking up a new career as movie actor.
In an earlier press release from Scotts agent it was revealed that we will soon be seeing a different side of his character as he takes on the lead role in the new movie remake of “Beneath The Valley of The Mysterons” where he will be playing the role of Captain Scarlet.
In an interview today from his holiday home on Tracy Island, Scott said that he… “felt the time had come to move on….For a while now I’ve become very defensive…and if you make defensive errors you get punished. Recently I’ve felt my performances have become very wooden …...Luckily my agent has been able to pull a few strings…

Monday, 16 April 2007

Match of the Day shock.

The BBC switchboard was jammed yesterday with calls from MotD viewers when it was revealed that the programme had been guilty of a massive confidence trick played on the viewing public.
Suspicions were raised during a recent screening of the show when the soccer pundit Scott Hansen made the same remark repeatedly, saying…. “if you make defensive errors at this level you’re gonna get punished” ....over and over again until the transmission was quickly cut and replaced with a picture of a smiling Graham Norton.
When shocked BBC technicians checked the footage, it was found that the usual soccer pundits had been replaced by puppets several months earlier and had gone unnoticed . The broadcasting scam only came to light after the repeated remarks glitch, which was attributed to faulty software .
As shocked and stunned football fans slowly come to terms with the hoax, several have commented that they knew something wasn’t right with the programme. One fan said that the colours of the faces appeared to be wrong with several of the presenters showing strange vivid orange complexions.
The BBC producer at the centre of this broadcasting storm explained that it was an attempt to reduce costs….."we have had severe budgetary restrictions since the new series of Celebrity Sex Change - and we had to make cuts somewhere. I’d have got away with it too if it hadn’t been for those pesky licence payers .….”

Saturday, 14 April 2007

The Man with the Golden Sponge

From the Treatment Table with Assistant Physio Phil.
I’m often getting questions about the origins of the treatment techniques we employ and particularly the use of the Magic Sponge and it’s modern sibling, the Magic Spray.
Historical manuscripts and ancient scrolls have revealed that the use of a sponge with magic powers has had immense life giving properties from the earliest recorded times.
The medicinal use of the Magic Sponge can be traced back before Roman times where it was used in the Colliseum during gladiatorial combat. It was found that deep flesh cuts sustained by the short bladed Centurion sword were found to respond favourably to a swift wipe with a damp sponge. In fact the sponge was found to be so successful it was used more and more for often quite serious injuries including severed limbs and rare tropical diseases.
As part of Charlton’s ongoing contribution to social history archives, we have compiled a complete volume of the “The Magic Sponge - Its’ Place in History” which we will be publishing in monthly instalments in this highly regarded web-organ. We will be tracing the history of the sponge from the its earliest appearance in ancient Egypt through to the present day.
After publication, the entire volume - printed on genuine reclaimed Egyptian papyrus and bound in a specially commissioned hand-tooled extinct species leather binding - will be handed over to the British Museum at a special evening at the Valley with a presentation made by our very own Valley goal machine “Super” Kevin Lisbie .
For those unfortunates who are too cheap to access Confidential Rick on the web, the initial May edition will also be available from Newsagents at the special introductory price of £15.99 and will contain your very own piece of replica sponge to start your unique and highly sought after collection.
Each sponge is a superb example of the ability of our craftsmen to painstakingly extract urinary content from plebeian consumers who actually enjoy the experience (or as Don Henley puts it: “They love that sh*t!”).
[ Remember that this initial small part will quickly grow into a magnificently detailed historical tool which you will enjoy handling and will be the envy of your friends !]

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Dumb and Dumber

The world’s media were gathered today at Floyd Road to hear the momentous news from the Bush Blair Corporation after what some people have described as the most tense 24 hours they had known since the last tense 24 hours. Massive behind the scenes diplomatic activity has taken place in an attempt to reach a last minute peaceful settlement. Despite pleas from the UN to hold off any further action until the conflict could be resolved peacefully, moves are now underway to mobilise forces to occupy the Valley using military pressure.
A spokesman for the Bush Blair Corporation announced that the recent successful mission of the Glazer Corporation in taking control of the Manchestershire United showed how freedom and democracy could be restored to a region that had previously known only a brutal dictatorship by a Scottish warlord. The spokesman denied suggestions that the sole purpose of removing the dictatorship was to gain access to the production and huge profits from crude merchandising .
Specific and informed Intelligence reports have shown beyond any doubt that the fanatical dictatorship at the Valley has a massive cache of WMD - Worthless Merchandising Dross - which it can launch on an unsuspecting SE7 at any time. One report contained in the highly respected dossier shows how in real terms, within 45 minutes - e.g. from half-time to the final whistle - the WMD can be launched and hit the unsuspecting fans on their way out of the stadium causing maximum sartorial damage.
During the news conference with the two senior figures in the Bush Blair Corporation, an unscripted question was asked by a correspondent concerning the legality of the occupation (he was later removed by security). In reply, the British spokesman replied that the action had been declared fully and constitutionally legal by “my best mate” and that to remove the existing dictatorship was “the right thing to do” and that “history will be my judge”.
At this point the American spokesman re-iterated that the occupation would allow the great Valleyshire people to enjoy the true freedom and democracy afforded by the world’s greatest philanthropic cause. (Believed to be a reference to the Bush Blair Corp) .

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Mrs Reg's Diary

What a time it’s been for us toiling foot soldiers ! It’s been one hectic round of hospitality since those Northern Wigan types descended on us . Luckily it was a good opportunity to get rid of that Moroccan red that nice Mr Elk gave us for Christmas. I have to say it’s not to my taste with it’s aggressive after-burn and the way it loosens tooth fillings. Anyway, after the match we showed the usual hospitality in the boardroom which received glowing compliments, though I have to say I found the manners of that Jewell person most objectionable. It was bad enough watching him talk with his mouth full and spitting bits of food over my newly polished boardroom table but when I saw him wrapping some of my Mini Chicken Kievs in serviettes and putting them in his pocket I had to say something.
The nerve of the man ! He immediately rounded on me saying that I had mis-interpreted what I’d seen and he was just putting his handkerchief away. He then went ranting on about how nobody understands and everybody’s out to get him ! I ask you……what manners !
After recovering from that most unpleasant experience I insisted that Mr Reg take me away for the Easter break which surprisingly he agreed to. I have say however that a Good Friday in Manchester was not what I had in mind ! The nice thing about it though was it gave me a chance to see my good friend Shirley Pearce. I must admit I was quite shocked when I saw her. She was looking so pale and drawn. Goodness knows what that man puts her through but as always, she put on a brave face and said that everything was fine as long as he remembered to take his medication.
It was back to the Valley on Easter Monday and after another match, more hospitality. After a few glasses the conversation became a touch ribald with Pards and Coppell making rather course jokes about old times at the Palace so I decided to talk with that nice young Mr Elk and discuss his homeland. I found him very engaging as he was telling me all about local customs in his country, one of which he described as using “ the women for fun and boys for pleasure”….I must ask Reg what it means….

Monday, 9 April 2007

Scary Monsters

Deep underground in the old disused lime workings in the giant terrace underneath the East Stand, the slave Orcs go about their grisly task. Through the long forgotten dark catacombs the all pervading smell of burning liniment assaults the nostrils.
The Orcs work quietly and swiftly on their task. Always under the ever vigilant eye of the Dark Lord who watches thoughtfully from his makeshift throne of discarded player bones.
They have been toiling for many years, ever since the distant reign of Lennie the Great . Their enduring task is to create a worthy, locally made striker for SE7.
For an entire decade the Orcs worked on creating the perfect Leaburn. In the early days of construction, all went well. The insertion of extra bone units in the spine and legs provided the Mk1 with the ability to tower over most opponents. However the extra height made the whole structure unstable resulting in frequent collapses. Years were spent on trying to correct the stabilisation programs which were plagued with gyroscope difficulties. . . The Mk2 version with a modified spine and stronger steel made the Leaburn more resilient to tackles and it performed a useful role in confusing defenders. But time had already run out for the Mk2. Strikes were becoming increasingly rare and years of abuse from the crowd had taken their toll.
The Leaburn Mk2 was eventually dismantled for spares, with some of the parts sold on to a scrap yard in Wimbledon.
The next labyrinth project was the Lisbie creation . The Lisbie Mk1 was made of several recycled Leaburn parts including the feet. The reduced height of the Lisbie enabled a more stable approach which was less prone to collapse but the re-use of the un-modified feet caused accuracy problems even from short distances of less than 3 yards.
Recently the underground catacombs have been reverberating with the sound of changes to the Lisbie Mk2. Extra strong optic range finders once owned by a Super Clive have now been installed. The Mk2 is also being fitted with Sat Nav….
As the slave Orcs continue to toil in the fetid, stygian gloom, the Dark Lord casts his eye around for his next unwilling participant …..….."hmm... Jimmy about your legs..."..

Saturday, 7 April 2007

Your Valley Stars - By Mystic Monica, the club's Clairvoyant up on the roof.

Where one chooses to sit at the Valley gives a true insight into your personality. Here Mystic Monica switches off the hands-free, to unravel the mysteries of why we sit where we do…

West Stand: You have a strong dislike of windy weather and are unduly concerned about the way the predominant westerlies can interfere with elaborate comb-over hairstyles . Favourite food & drink - Prawn sandwiches and Algerian red.

East Stand: You have an unnatural feeling of believing you are somewhere else - perhaps watching football in a parallel universe. Unfortunately you are designated non-breathing and have to be transported to the match by Fed Ex and propped up in your seats by Stewards. Favourite food & drink - Hot Logs and Old Valley Golden Peculiar.

North Stand: To the Psychic Astrologer this stand presents a real challenge to my psychic powers as there are two distinct aspects to this end. Your love of music and singing shows here, where the aggressive choral strains of Valley Floyd Road can often be heard. However another aspect shows itself in an ability to whinge uncontrollably without much provocation and a tendency to exhibit wild and extreme behaviour under duress . Favourite food & drink - any raw meat and Export Strength Bulgarian cava ( now banned within the Valley perimeter)

South Stand : I foresee a long and difficult journey ahead of you. You will not be travelling alone. Favourite food & Drink - Humble Pie and Bitter.

Thursday, 5 April 2007

They're home !

Pensioners were dancing with hoodies in the streets of South London today as the news filtered through of the release of the four men held by the CAFC (the Cause to Annihilate the Freedom to Criticise) under the fanatical figure of Minty “The Cleric” Murray and Osamah Bin D’Owee.
News is still sketchy but it’s understood that the four bloggers and others were rescued in a military style operation under the leadership of “Super” Alan Pardew and a small squad of highly motivated and dedicated commandos. Apparently the rescue happened at the eleventh hour, just as the fanatical Bin D’Owee was preparing to drag the detainees into what has now been called the “Drop Zone”.
While the celebrations continued at SE7 another sombre vigil was taking place to remember the Bloggs family group who have been missing for several days on a post-wedding trip to Transylvania. The family comprises of Uncle Ketts, Cousin Rick, JB (also known as “JB“), and a young impressionable trans-sexual daughter Sam Lloyd. They are believed to be the guests of Frankie “Frankenburger” Valley in his mountain-top castle but nothing has been heard since a broken, fading mobile call from Sam pleading for help saying … “that we had only planned to go off-topic for a few days”….. and they were now languishing in a dark and dripping dungeon with a bunch of rough looking young men ...."and …”
At this point communication was lost.

[3 points tomorrow lads - no doubt. We are staying up !]

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Fears Grow for Missing Bloggers

The Missing men - Clockwise from top: Frankie Valley, Confidential Rick, Pedro 45 , Inspector Sands.

Fears are growing here in SE7 concerning the fate of the four bloggers who went missing yesterday after what was described as a normal day of keyboard activity. It is reported that they may have fallen victim to a fanatical splinter group when they accidentally strayed over a line in the sand while making remarks about recent changes in the organisation’s new theme song.
The authorities have released the above pictures of the four men and are asking for people to come forward if they have seen them.
It’s understood that police have interviewed some high ranking officials within the militant group know as the CAFC .(the Cause to Annihilate Freedom to Criticise ) notably Reg “The Conductor” Varney and Minty “The Cleric” Murray.

A lawyer for the CAFC said that scurilous suggestions, that this had been a "Stalinist-type purge", were grossly incorrect and "steps would be taken against any person perpetrating these rumours".

No further information is available at this time.

Sunday, 1 April 2007

From the Sparrows Nest - by Derek Spades (the groundsman who DOES give two forks)

Hello my lovelies, how’s it hanging ? What a game eh? Thought the pitch lasted well .Couldn’t tell which were the bigger lumps, the divots at half-time or those rugby club blokes !
Did I tell you how the Guvnor let me have some of the ground behind the clubhouse for an allotment ? It’s been doing great ever since I treated the soil with a thick heavy layer of special compost one of the cleaning lads got me from the Valley. I asked him where it was from but he changed the subject pretty sharpish.
Anyway I was picking some lovely big courgettes the other day and for some reason young Scotty Minto came to mind. The toast of the dressing room. Always had a big kick too .
Well it’s Spring here again at Sparrows and the grass has kicked off big time. It’s always been a problem what to do with all them cuttings,so when we hit upon dumping them on that uneven patch by the entrance it was perfect. It’s an area full of strange shaped bumps and we’ve never really known what to do with it. The lads here call it the Jimmy Floyd patch.
I was sitting on the mower having a brew the other day ,leafing through a copy of “What Fork“, when the phone went and it was Pards asking for some help with space. Apparently he’s been kicked out of the team briefing room at the Valley because every time he has one of his Team Talks, the Guvnor has to get the decorators back in to steam clean and re-paint the walls.
I told him he could have Curb’s old room here, where Curbs used to go to “think about life” as he put it.
Sorting it out, imagine my surprise when I opened the old cupboard and out fell about 500 copies of “Valley Of Dreams“. Well you can only guess….!
I’ll always remember the times Curbs and I sat on the veranda nursing a couple of glasses of Algerian red. One day when we were ruminating on life in general, Curbs turned to me and said he thought that maybe Jean Paul Sartre had been right all along when he said “ When the pigeons flutter and swoop in the floodlights, they’re expecting to be hit by a tin of sardines” *
...Least I think that’s what he said.

( * With thanks to Sam Lloyd and Cantona. (top job at Sainsburys Eric!)

Friday, 30 March 2007

Charlton vs. Wigan

Tomorrows game we will win because NOW WE HAVE CHARACTER. Character is what gets results. We've seen it in the past with those heartstopping play-offs - remember the Leeds away in extra time with Lennie's never say die Charlton and a resilient Peter Shirtliffe ?
It was character that got us through the now famous Super Clive Wembley final with Curbs and it will be the new steely character from Alan Pardew that will both win tomorrow and lift us out of relegation.No doubt about it... come on you Reds!

Delays for new FA project

An unforseen accident has caused a set-back to a joint project driven by the FA and controversial record producer Ozzie “Fat” Tony who was hurt in a street accident yesterday.( Mr Tony is best known for his involvement in the missing Spinal Tap "Odyssey" tapes scandal,for which he was recently cleared by a grand jury.)
Ozzie had recently flown in from his home in Los Angeles to mastermind the upcoming production of a new compilation album "Music to Eat Pies By" , a joint project with the FA Entertainments Division,specifically targetting the half-time and catering entertainment in UK football stadiums including the new Wembley flagship.
Featured artists include Leonard Cohen, U2, Bob Geldof, Morrissey and Ken Dodd (with hilarious background material from Steve “great show“ Wright).
Latest reports indicate that Ozzie met with the accident while leaving his West End hotel. Eye witnesses say he was busy laughing with his accountant when he stepped off the kerb, forgetting the traffic was driving on the left and fell under a bus.
Luckily his injuries are not thought to be life threatening due to the protection provided under his suit by several layers of stock bonds and large denomination bank-notes although the bus is reported to be a write-off.
Ozzie will be have to be hospitalised for the forseable future but he is expected to make a full recovery given time. From his bedside in the D’Owee Private Clinic, in a rare bedside interview he is reported as saying quote "I just wanna get out of these bandages so I can move forward with the FA’s album which I personally regard as the most significant piece of I have ever undertaken" .
A spokesman for the FA said “ We’re very excited that we at the FA have been able to give Mr Tony huge amounts of cash for something that an English producer would have been able to do for a fraction of the cost. This goes to show what a progressive world-class organisation we have now become and further illustrates the value of our Special relationship. Unfortunately Ozzie’s accident will now delay the release of this exciting new product until the summer break. At this point in time I am unable to give you the precise year of the summer break“.

Thursday, 29 March 2007

Valley Riot War Zone Shock Horror

Today,…..,as shocked and stunned spectators stand around Floyd Road looking at the ashes of what was once, a model football stadium of the 21st century the truth is slowly dawning on the folly of what happened here last night.

As we get more of a picture of the truly terrible events of last night it is becoming increasingly clear that all attempts at democracy have failed miserably. Now over to our man standing in the rain without an umbrella just for visual effect.

“Well viewers I’m standing here with a shocked and stunned Reg. Mr Reg can you explain how this awful tragedy happened ?”
“Well Brian, basically it was an evening of two halves. Everything was going well until one or two of the blogger insurgents started enjoying the Bulgarian cava to excess. There had already been some murmurings of disquiet over the quality of the sandwiches but these were quickly dealt with by Security.
I was in the middle of explaining to this Mr Valley fellow why we have logistical problems over the temperature of the meat pies when a projectile - later confirmed as a home-made cheese and pickle sandwich- flew across the room, landing in the Special Golden Punch prepared earlier by the cleaning staff. Pandemonium broke out instantly with scenes of horror I can’t begin to describe. Mrs Reg had to be restrained after several Security staff sustained cuts and bruises ”

In the burnt out remains of the boardroom bunker, one question remains. Will there ever be another bloggers forum or is this club, known for it’s great historical past and tenacity in the face of misfortune, incapable of emerging from this dark episode of sectarian petulance?

The final word comes from Mrs Monica Overall, Head Cleaning Operative who says:
“It’s all the fault of that Bulgarian cava. It turns men into monsters. I saw things last night that a woman of my years should never see. Next time they should stick to that Algerian red. Lovely stuff.. my Mr Overall, he loves it….turns him into a real man.. know what I mean? Anyway can't stand around here chatting. Got to clean up this mess before Saturday afternoon, some rugby club turning up".

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

From the Guvnor's desk

What a busy time. Spent most it making sure the Boardroom was ready for that so-called bloggers forum. Got the Boardroom table looking good though. Mrs Reg was out first thing with the Pledge and it hasn’t looked this good since we had that Monica fella in for his second interview. Remember thinking at the time, bit of an odd sort of cove, kept disappearing out on the roof with his mobile.
Anyway we’re all primed for that in-depth probing. Young Pards approached the chair asking if we could have special dispensation and break out the Bulgarian-cava. Gave him short shrift I can tell you ! Saving that for Sir Alex’s visit next season (have to keep up the confidence levels don'tcha know).Told him they could have that Lidls crème-de-menthe left behind by Millsey. Not sure about the prawn sandwiches either. Mrs Reg says it’s cheese and pickle and Pringles .
Took Mrs Reg over to the Mintys last night for one of their continental-style evenings and ate excellent party- size reformed chicken kievs washed down with a very aggressive Algerian red. Minty seems worried about some of the difficult questions the bloggers may ask. Seems to think we need a moderator to field the awkward ones. St Michael says he’ll try and get Jim Davidson for some celebrity glamour, told him not to bother (Mrs Reg finds him too left-wing) as the bloggers probably only want to winge and go on about lack of silverware, the weak beer and cold pies . Anything difficult we can say it’s Company Confidential eh ? Or there’s always the tilting trapdoors if things get tricky. Must have a word with Derek in maintenance, make sure they’re oiled-up and ready.
Woke up in a nightmare sweat the other night. Dreamt Minty beat me to the executive parking space and I had to give some eastern European chappies £2 to mind the roller. Phew..thank goodness it was just a dream. Also keep noticing some shabby dressed chap hanging around the car park. Nearly swiped him with the roller the other day. Looks just like that Lou Reed chap, always going on about the Prozac Zone or something. Must have a word with Security. Cheers! Down the hatch !

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