Saturday, 14 April 2007

The Man with the Golden Sponge

From the Treatment Table with Assistant Physio Phil.
I’m often getting questions about the origins of the treatment techniques we employ and particularly the use of the Magic Sponge and it’s modern sibling, the Magic Spray.
Historical manuscripts and ancient scrolls have revealed that the use of a sponge with magic powers has had immense life giving properties from the earliest recorded times.
The medicinal use of the Magic Sponge can be traced back before Roman times where it was used in the Colliseum during gladiatorial combat. It was found that deep flesh cuts sustained by the short bladed Centurion sword were found to respond favourably to a swift wipe with a damp sponge. In fact the sponge was found to be so successful it was used more and more for often quite serious injuries including severed limbs and rare tropical diseases.
As part of Charlton’s ongoing contribution to social history archives, we have compiled a complete volume of the “The Magic Sponge - Its’ Place in History” which we will be publishing in monthly instalments in this highly regarded web-organ. We will be tracing the history of the sponge from the its earliest appearance in ancient Egypt through to the present day.
After publication, the entire volume - printed on genuine reclaimed Egyptian papyrus and bound in a specially commissioned hand-tooled extinct species leather binding - will be handed over to the British Museum at a special evening at the Valley with a presentation made by our very own Valley goal machine “Super” Kevin Lisbie .
For those unfortunates who are too cheap to access Confidential Rick on the web, the initial May edition will also be available from Newsagents at the special introductory price of £15.99 and will contain your very own piece of replica sponge to start your unique and highly sought after collection.
Each sponge is a superb example of the ability of our craftsmen to painstakingly extract urinary content from plebeian consumers who actually enjoy the experience (or as Don Henley puts it: “They love that sh*t!”).
[ Remember that this initial small part will quickly grow into a magnificently detailed historical tool which you will enjoy handling and will be the envy of your friends !]

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Dumb and Dumber

The world’s media were gathered today at Floyd Road to hear the momentous news from the Bush Blair Corporation after what some people have described as the most tense 24 hours they had known since the last tense 24 hours. Massive behind the scenes diplomatic activity has taken place in an attempt to reach a last minute peaceful settlement. Despite pleas from the UN to hold off any further action until the conflict could be resolved peacefully, moves are now underway to mobilise forces to occupy the Valley using military pressure.
A spokesman for the Bush Blair Corporation announced that the recent successful mission of the Glazer Corporation in taking control of the Manchestershire United showed how freedom and democracy could be restored to a region that had previously known only a brutal dictatorship by a Scottish warlord. The spokesman denied suggestions that the sole purpose of removing the dictatorship was to gain access to the production and huge profits from crude merchandising .
Specific and informed Intelligence reports have shown beyond any doubt that the fanatical dictatorship at the Valley has a massive cache of WMD - Worthless Merchandising Dross - which it can launch on an unsuspecting SE7 at any time. One report contained in the highly respected dossier shows how in real terms, within 45 minutes - e.g. from half-time to the final whistle - the WMD can be launched and hit the unsuspecting fans on their way out of the stadium causing maximum sartorial damage.
During the news conference with the two senior figures in the Bush Blair Corporation, an unscripted question was asked by a correspondent concerning the legality of the occupation (he was later removed by security). In reply, the British spokesman replied that the action had been declared fully and constitutionally legal by “my best mate” and that to remove the existing dictatorship was “the right thing to do” and that “history will be my judge”.
At this point the American spokesman re-iterated that the occupation would allow the great Valleyshire people to enjoy the true freedom and democracy afforded by the world’s greatest philanthropic cause. (Believed to be a reference to the Bush Blair Corp) .

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Mrs Reg's Diary

What a time it’s been for us toiling foot soldiers ! It’s been one hectic round of hospitality since those Northern Wigan types descended on us . Luckily it was a good opportunity to get rid of that Moroccan red that nice Mr Elk gave us for Christmas. I have to say it’s not to my taste with it’s aggressive after-burn and the way it loosens tooth fillings. Anyway, after the match we showed the usual hospitality in the boardroom which received glowing compliments, though I have to say I found the manners of that Jewell person most objectionable. It was bad enough watching him talk with his mouth full and spitting bits of food over my newly polished boardroom table but when I saw him wrapping some of my Mini Chicken Kievs in serviettes and putting them in his pocket I had to say something.
The nerve of the man ! He immediately rounded on me saying that I had mis-interpreted what I’d seen and he was just putting his handkerchief away. He then went ranting on about how nobody understands and everybody’s out to get him ! I ask you……what manners !
After recovering from that most unpleasant experience I insisted that Mr Reg take me away for the Easter break which surprisingly he agreed to. I have say however that a Good Friday in Manchester was not what I had in mind ! The nice thing about it though was it gave me a chance to see my good friend Shirley Pearce. I must admit I was quite shocked when I saw her. She was looking so pale and drawn. Goodness knows what that man puts her through but as always, she put on a brave face and said that everything was fine as long as he remembered to take his medication.
It was back to the Valley on Easter Monday and after another match, more hospitality. After a few glasses the conversation became a touch ribald with Pards and Coppell making rather course jokes about old times at the Palace so I decided to talk with that nice young Mr Elk and discuss his homeland. I found him very engaging as he was telling me all about local customs in his country, one of which he described as using “ the women for fun and boys for pleasure”….I must ask Reg what it means….

Monday, 9 April 2007

Scary Monsters

Deep underground in the old disused lime workings in the giant terrace underneath the East Stand, the slave Orcs go about their grisly task. Through the long forgotten dark catacombs the all pervading smell of burning liniment assaults the nostrils.
The Orcs work quietly and swiftly on their task. Always under the ever vigilant eye of the Dark Lord who watches thoughtfully from his makeshift throne of discarded player bones.
They have been toiling for many years, ever since the distant reign of Lennie the Great . Their enduring task is to create a worthy, locally made striker for SE7.
For an entire decade the Orcs worked on creating the perfect Leaburn. In the early days of construction, all went well. The insertion of extra bone units in the spine and legs provided the Mk1 with the ability to tower over most opponents. However the extra height made the whole structure unstable resulting in frequent collapses. Years were spent on trying to correct the stabilisation programs which were plagued with gyroscope difficulties. . . The Mk2 version with a modified spine and stronger steel made the Leaburn more resilient to tackles and it performed a useful role in confusing defenders. But time had already run out for the Mk2. Strikes were becoming increasingly rare and years of abuse from the crowd had taken their toll.
The Leaburn Mk2 was eventually dismantled for spares, with some of the parts sold on to a scrap yard in Wimbledon.
The next labyrinth project was the Lisbie creation . The Lisbie Mk1 was made of several recycled Leaburn parts including the feet. The reduced height of the Lisbie enabled a more stable approach which was less prone to collapse but the re-use of the un-modified feet caused accuracy problems even from short distances of less than 3 yards.
Recently the underground catacombs have been reverberating with the sound of changes to the Lisbie Mk2. Extra strong optic range finders once owned by a Super Clive have now been installed. The Mk2 is also being fitted with Sat Nav….
As the slave Orcs continue to toil in the fetid, stygian gloom, the Dark Lord casts his eye around for his next unwilling participant …..….."hmm... Jimmy about your legs..."..

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