Friday, 13 July 2007

West Stand Closure Shock

The sound of breaking glass was heard today as sales of CAFC monocles fell through the floor at Valley superstore. The reason being, that the future of the West Stand is in doubt. The problem is believed to originate from the lack of the West Stand staple food, the prawn sandwich, which is under threat from extinction due to the lack of prawns. A spokesman from the West Stand Catering Corp explained "There's no actual shortage of prawns in the marketplace. There's loads. The problem here is there's no one available to go and get 'em. We're all far too busy being Toffs doncha know. In fact, I've had a word Upstairs and the board have decided to also rename the East Stand the West Stand to allow all those Stiffs to return next season as Toffs".

In addition, a knock on statement from CAFC Marketing announces they have decided to cancel the famous cardboard clappers which were so successful in keeping the club in the Premiership last season, and replace them with large foam rubber prawn sandwich replicas which can be waved at the visiting poorer fans from Northern clubs.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Somebody Stop Me

Now all you fans of the beautiful game, here's a chance to win a night out on the town with these two whacky funsters and giants of punditry. The evening kicks off with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar and the night finishes with a few drinks at the new Wembley Sports Bar. All you have to do to win this exciting, never to be forgotten night, is to answer the following sport related question:

The new Wembley Stadium is in which London district ? Is it...

[1] The Bronx

[2] Monmartre

[3] Wembley

Calls will be costed at £2.50 per sec with all proceeds going to the FA's Snouts In The Trough Fund.

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Red Dragon

A Rogue Stewards Tale.

I love football me….love it so much that’s why I took the job. I always hear all the goals .... magic. Sometimes when there's a goal I'm carefully examining the welding on the East Stand cantilevered stanchions. At the last game I was giving a bloke in block B a real hard stare and willing him to make eye contact. He wouldn't of course.. During an off the ball incident I was checking the spelling on the fire extinguisher next to me.
I like working the Jimmy Seed best, cos I like looking hard at the away lot. Sometimes I have a real wry grin when Charlton score, really upsets ’em. Sometimes they get so annoyed with my wry grins they go home early. I really like that, makes me feel important . Sometimes when I’ve got the earpiece on, I can pretend to be talking to someone like I’m that guy in the TV show 24. I can tell it really impresses the girls. Weird thing is when I give the earpiece back to boss after the game, I can still hear a voice talking to me.
At the last match I was looking at this girl, nothing serious, and this bloke pretending to be her boyfriend shouted out at me “’Oi you…Billy No Mates, take your eyes off my girl". ...As if I’d bother looking at someone else’s girlfriend anyway….and I HAVE got mates, lots of ‘em ... I got four in my cellar right now…
[ So always show respect to our friends in front. You never know what might lurk beneath that fluorescent jacket ]

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