Saturday, 7 April 2007

Your Valley Stars - By Mystic Monica, the club's Clairvoyant up on the roof.

Where one chooses to sit at the Valley gives a true insight into your personality. Here Mystic Monica switches off the hands-free, to unravel the mysteries of why we sit where we do…

West Stand: You have a strong dislike of windy weather and are unduly concerned about the way the predominant westerlies can interfere with elaborate comb-over hairstyles . Favourite food & drink - Prawn sandwiches and Algerian red.

East Stand: You have an unnatural feeling of believing you are somewhere else - perhaps watching football in a parallel universe. Unfortunately you are designated non-breathing and have to be transported to the match by Fed Ex and propped up in your seats by Stewards. Favourite food & drink - Hot Logs and Old Valley Golden Peculiar.

North Stand: To the Psychic Astrologer this stand presents a real challenge to my psychic powers as there are two distinct aspects to this end. Your love of music and singing shows here, where the aggressive choral strains of Valley Floyd Road can often be heard. However another aspect shows itself in an ability to whinge uncontrollably without much provocation and a tendency to exhibit wild and extreme behaviour under duress . Favourite food & drink - any raw meat and Export Strength Bulgarian cava ( now banned within the Valley perimeter)

South Stand : I foresee a long and difficult journey ahead of you. You will not be travelling alone. Favourite food & Drink - Humble Pie and Bitter.

Thursday, 5 April 2007

They're home !

Pensioners were dancing with hoodies in the streets of South London today as the news filtered through of the release of the four men held by the CAFC (the Cause to Annihilate the Freedom to Criticise) under the fanatical figure of Minty “The Cleric” Murray and Osamah Bin D’Owee.
News is still sketchy but it’s understood that the four bloggers and others were rescued in a military style operation under the leadership of “Super” Alan Pardew and a small squad of highly motivated and dedicated commandos. Apparently the rescue happened at the eleventh hour, just as the fanatical Bin D’Owee was preparing to drag the detainees into what has now been called the “Drop Zone”.
While the celebrations continued at SE7 another sombre vigil was taking place to remember the Bloggs family group who have been missing for several days on a post-wedding trip to Transylvania. The family comprises of Uncle Ketts, Cousin Rick, JB (also known as “JB“), and a young impressionable trans-sexual daughter Sam Lloyd. They are believed to be the guests of Frankie “Frankenburger” Valley in his mountain-top castle but nothing has been heard since a broken, fading mobile call from Sam pleading for help saying … “that we had only planned to go off-topic for a few days”….. and they were now languishing in a dark and dripping dungeon with a bunch of rough looking young men ...."and …”
At this point communication was lost.

[3 points tomorrow lads - no doubt. We are staying up !]

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Fears Grow for Missing Bloggers

The Missing men - Clockwise from top: Frankie Valley, Confidential Rick, Pedro 45 , Inspector Sands.

Fears are growing here in SE7 concerning the fate of the four bloggers who went missing yesterday after what was described as a normal day of keyboard activity. It is reported that they may have fallen victim to a fanatical splinter group when they accidentally strayed over a line in the sand while making remarks about recent changes in the organisation’s new theme song.
The authorities have released the above pictures of the four men and are asking for people to come forward if they have seen them.
It’s understood that police have interviewed some high ranking officials within the militant group know as the CAFC .(the Cause to Annihilate Freedom to Criticise ) notably Reg “The Conductor” Varney and Minty “The Cleric” Murray.

A lawyer for the CAFC said that scurilous suggestions, that this had been a "Stalinist-type purge", were grossly incorrect and "steps would be taken against any person perpetrating these rumours".

No further information is available at this time.

Sunday, 1 April 2007

From the Sparrows Nest - by Derek Spades (the groundsman who DOES give two forks)

Hello my lovelies, how’s it hanging ? What a game eh? Thought the pitch lasted well .Couldn’t tell which were the bigger lumps, the divots at half-time or those rugby club blokes !
Did I tell you how the Guvnor let me have some of the ground behind the clubhouse for an allotment ? It’s been doing great ever since I treated the soil with a thick heavy layer of special compost one of the cleaning lads got me from the Valley. I asked him where it was from but he changed the subject pretty sharpish.
Anyway I was picking some lovely big courgettes the other day and for some reason young Scotty Minto came to mind. The toast of the dressing room. Always had a big kick too .
Well it’s Spring here again at Sparrows and the grass has kicked off big time. It’s always been a problem what to do with all them cuttings,so when we hit upon dumping them on that uneven patch by the entrance it was perfect. It’s an area full of strange shaped bumps and we’ve never really known what to do with it. The lads here call it the Jimmy Floyd patch.
I was sitting on the mower having a brew the other day ,leafing through a copy of “What Fork“, when the phone went and it was Pards asking for some help with space. Apparently he’s been kicked out of the team briefing room at the Valley because every time he has one of his Team Talks, the Guvnor has to get the decorators back in to steam clean and re-paint the walls.
I told him he could have Curb’s old room here, where Curbs used to go to “think about life” as he put it.
Sorting it out, imagine my surprise when I opened the old cupboard and out fell about 500 copies of “Valley Of Dreams“. Well you can only guess….!
I’ll always remember the times Curbs and I sat on the veranda nursing a couple of glasses of Algerian red. One day when we were ruminating on life in general, Curbs turned to me and said he thought that maybe Jean Paul Sartre had been right all along when he said “ When the pigeons flutter and swoop in the floodlights, they’re expecting to be hit by a tin of sardines” *
...Least I think that’s what he said.

( * With thanks to Sam Lloyd and Cantona. (top job at Sainsburys Eric!)

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